I called an acquaintance who happens to work in Windsor Castle
to get the low-down on Prince--I mean, Princess Charles.
Me: "What the hell is going on over there?"
Her: "The Butler did it."
Me: "Did what to whom?"
Her: "Why, banged bonnie Prince Charles, of course!"
Me: "So it's true? Charles enjoys the occasional meat whistle?"
Her: "Occasional? My dear TZ, it is nothing but meat whistles
'round here day and night. One meat whistle leaves, another one
comes. Quite boring, actually. No secret to us though. We grew
up with the Nancy-boy. We all new he'd never be king because
he's such a queen!"
Me: "But I thought he told Camilla that he wanted to be
reincarnated as her tampon?"
Her: "Why of course he did. That's because Camilla is actually
a man in a bad wig."
Royally,
TZ
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his
wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man
replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man
asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed
the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner
cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious
with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably
smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a
man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he
hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says
he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him
down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell
you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I
took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,
here - try these on." So, she did and said, "These are too big,
I can't wear them". I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants
in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have
never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,
"Here try these on." So she does and says, "these are too
large, they don't fit me."
Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and
I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says,
"Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into
your pants." So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change
your smartass attitude, you never will."