My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. ......Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
Two elderly men are playing golf together for the first time.
As they were on a fairway near a road, a funeral procession started going down the road. One of the golfer stopped and bowed his head the whole time that the procession went by.
When he finished the other golfer commended him: "I must say that I am very touched by your reverence for the departed."
"Well," responded the man, "I was married to her for 40 years."
And then there is the loyal Green Bay Packer fan cheering loudly at the game when one of the other regular fans near him asked why 3 of his regular 4 seats were empty - you guessed it - they were all at his wife's (or mother's, take your pick) funeral.
An old man passed away one night. Later that week a wonderful funeral was held and the county reverend talked at length of all the good traits of the deceased; what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
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