In honor of Lustman and all the other TJ "V" -jays:


Viagra Diary

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary
with not much to celebrate. When it came time
to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself
in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.
He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be
the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, gimme a
break. He's been dysfunctional for so long
that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has
needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the

Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug
on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's
called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our
wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather
not have your mother join us.' I think this will
work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra,
hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No
pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King,
the manage asked me if I'd like a Whopper.
He thought they were talking about him.
Get over yourself! Not everything is about
you! But, have to admit...

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he
was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
Sore as hell...

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can
only take so much. And to make matters worse,
he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider!
The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What
am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over...

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him.
Everything is turning blue. The other day,
we were watching Hamlet and he thought it
was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my
armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.

Day 12.
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like
going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli
albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still
he keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!
It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's
hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes
00 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he
tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again,
I'm gonna kill him.

Day 15.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing
is working. I even started dressing like a nun.
Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes
"Father Woody" want to bark like a dog...
Help me.

Day 16.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go
out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck,
I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting
to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are
afraid of him and the neighbors no longer
come over. Last night I told him to
screw himself... he did