Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun.