A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were
several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .


At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than

five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
Had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled, "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name


As a young doctor doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when
performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)