Some old and some new

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My wife manages to get on every fucking one of them!
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They’re brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
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I went to the doctor’s surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate……
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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don’t enter that church, you daft fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”
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Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
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Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It’s women that make it hard
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I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don’t be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn’t like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.