A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the office Christmas party.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
(said by Joan Rivers)

I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included.

I was so poor growing up, if I hadn't been a boy I'd have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day.
(from the Master of one-liners: Rodney Dangerfield)

If God had meant Christmas to be a family occasion He wouldn't have invented TV.

I saw a guy driving down Hollywood Boulevard with a tree on his bumper and I said: 'Getting ready for Christmas?' He said: 'No, teaching the wife how to drive.
(from Bob Hope - anyone remember him?)

The Three Wise Men sound very generous, but you've got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.

At the office party you're supposed to sit naked on top of the photocopier, not the shredder.
(from David Letterman - I miss him)

And my favorite:

Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.
(from Benny Hill