WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need... = I want...
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive  It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now  
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about  
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV  
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're  really not going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you  Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you  Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you  
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins  
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you