Never raise your hands to your teenage children.  It leaves your groin unprotected.

I still can't figure out why Kamikazie pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets annoyed & turns away, but when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window?

Is it really true that on the freeway anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone go faster than you is a maniac?

My mother was a fanatic about staying in shape.  She began walking 5 miles a day when she was 60.  She's now 70 & we have no idea where she is.

It's said 1 out of every 3 Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  If you think your 2 closest friends are OK, where does that leave you?

Ads for detergent products will show how they remove bloodstains from a T-shirt.  But if you have bloodstains on your T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your only problem.

If you ask people with deer heads on the wall why, they will likely answer that they're beautiful animals.  But I'll bet if they think their wife & children are beautiful, they hang only photographs.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my leather jacket & asked "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"  I said, "I wasn't aware there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Future historians will be able to study at the Richard Nixon Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, & the Bill Clinton Adult Book Store.

Why is a "building" called that when it's finished...shouldn't it be called a "built"?

Why is a statue of someone's head called a "bust" when it stops just before the part it's named after?

Why is it called a "television set"...you only get one?

Funny, don't you think, that a prison for women is called a "penal" institution?  (I know--penal vs. penile--it's just a joke)

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?