-There are two sides to every divorce:  Yours and Shithead's.

--The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

--I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.

--I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

--I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

--A sign In a Chinese Pet Store:  "Buy one dog, get one flea."

--Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

--I got a sweater for Christmas.  I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

--If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

--I don't approve of political jokes.  I've seen too many of them get elected.

--The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

--If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.  

-- I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

--Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

--I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

--Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

--No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

--Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

--How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

--Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

--Marriage changes passion--suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

--Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

--Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

--Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

--Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

--How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

--When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping."  Now I just go "chunky dunking.

--I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

--Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl-Alt-Delete and start all over?

--Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

--Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever