ESCORT ADVERTISEMENT AND WEBSITE DECODER.

...reasons why we read the reviews rather than the advertisements, websites, and endorsement posts.

Ultimate GFE........Can stomach sucking face with even halitosis plagued men.

I enjoy my work........A highly accomplished actress, fakes "O"s better than Meg Ryan.

Down-to-earth........Isn't high.

Energetic ........Is high.

Discreet ........Too disorganized to keep your personal information.

Outcall only ........Has a car, lives in a motel.

Incall only........Doesn't have a car, lives in a motel.

BBW...........Pick a fold, any fold.

I answer my phone ........No computer.

E-mail me only ........ No phone.

Fill out my online booking form........ You will never get an appointment, ever.

Punctual........+/- 2 hours.

Educated........5 years of high school.

Wants to spend time getting to know you........Kills as much of the hour as possible with idle chit-chat.

Appreciates tips........$200 for a no-touch dance, $300 more for FS.

Girl-next-door..........Has a face like a basset hound.

Mature.............Take her photo, add 15 years.

Classy..........Washes.

University Educated..........DeVry.

Sensitive..........Doesn't laugh at you to your face.

Loves meeting new people..........She needs the money.

Lingerie available..........BYO, she'll be more than happy to wear it.

Sensual..........Turns the TV off.

Referrals required..........Wants to gauge how skanky you really are.

Deposit required..........Primadonna.

Sophisticated..........Stops the action to take cell phone calls.

Blonde..........Bad dye job.

Redhead..........Wig.

Couples welcome..........At least women usually wash.

Can bring a friend..........Anything to get you off faster.

Smoker..........6 packs a day.

Non-Smoker..........2 packs a day.

Doesn't do drugs..........That happens after the session.

Face obscured on site for privacy..........Butt ugly.

Elegant Dinner Companion..........A free meal is always nice.

Tight butt..........No hips, ass looks like 14 year old boy.

B cup ..........BB's on a breadboard.

C cup..........B cup.

D cup..........C cup.

DD cup..........Fat.

115..........140.

125..........150.

135..........160.

140+..........A house.

New pics on site..........Reviewers slammed her for dated pics.

I only take 1 appointment per day..........The other 5 are just friends.

My car broke down..........She has better things to do.

My email crashed, I lost everything..........She has better things to do for the next week.

Retirement..........She met a BF who doesn't like her job.

Coming out of retirement..........She was dumped.

Holiday Specials..........Kids need winter clothes.

Light Domination..........You don't want FS? All the better.

If you seek a onetime experience, look elsewhere..........look elsewhere.

Nice apartment..........Doesn't live in a motel.

A few piercings..........Face and bod look like a pin cushion.

A few tats..........More ink than bare skin.

Very accommodating..........Speaks greek if you are less than 6", $100 extra.

Now independent............Too flaky even for the agency.

Genuine pics...........Just not of her.