Now misten here lister, I am not so much under the alcofluence of inkahol as some thinkle peep I am.

Why I've only had tee martwonies, but the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.


or


One Tequilla, two tequilla, three tequilla, Floor.


or


I don't have a drinking problem.  I drink, I get Drunk, I fall down...No Problem.


or


Keep drinking...eventually I am tolerable.


or


I am so drunk I just called home and confessed my sins to my wife, called my Priest and told him to get naked and wash his ass it was almost closing time, and I just pissed in a lady's purse and shit in an ashtray, but DAMN, you are STILL UGLY!