Ok, I know it's late but gave up sleeping tonite....Afterall, it's Sunday morning!
So , let me start :
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source

Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A: Call her and tell her!!!

Q: What do you do with a year worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Lady: "Want to hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

 Do you guys know some good ones?

-- Modified on 4/7/2013 2:21:58 AM

What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

No one eats parsley.

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies.

Man to wife during sex: You're flat chested and your pussy smells like shit!

Woman: Get off my back!

Ha-ha! I liked the last one best! OK , now some man's jokes coming  :  

Q: What’s the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on!

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get to use the remote

 'Women say us men only think with our penis. Ladies, don't be afraid to blow our minds.'

A salesman goes out of town for business. After a couple of weeks he comes home and tells his wife about it. "Guess what dear, I earned 4000 dollars by selling 50 mattresses and 30 pairs of panties." The wife replies "Really, well with just one mattress and no panties I earned twice as much."  

I need more...., jokes, I mean :

Overheard at a swinger's party:
Woman1: Why do married men all turn into such pussies?
Woman2: You are what you eat!

 ---

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in
every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in
the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each
other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in
front of many people for every penny you've got.
---

Q: What do you get when you combine Viagra with muscle relaxants?  
A: A gumby with a pokey
---

She offered her honor,  
He honored her offer.
And all night long,  
It was honor and offer.

---
: When do you kick a midget in the balls?                                      
A: When he is standing next to your                                              
girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
---                                          
Q: What's the difference between your                                            
job and a dead prostitute?                                                      
A: Your job still sucks!    
---                                                    
Q: What did the hurricane                                                        
say to the coconut palm tree?                                                    
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary                                    
blow job!    
---                                                                    
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?                                        
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!  
---                                                                  
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?                    
A: a $100 bill!          
---                                                        
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?                                        
A: a cucumber  
---                                                                  
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?                                                  
A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand
---                                      
Girl: "Hey, what's up?"  
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"                                  
---
 Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting                                              
over a slut?                                                                    
A: Tug-of-whore.      
---                                                          
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a                                    
yeast infection?                                                                
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.    
---
Q: What's the                                                                    
difference between a bowling ball and a woman?                                  
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!        

---

That's enough for today.

Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!  

"Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get!"

 A drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and said, ''Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?''
''Yes, but I know you’re going to ask eventually anyway, so let’s get it over with.''  

''Great. How many men have you had sex with?''  

''That’s my business!'' she snapped.  

''Great! How much?'' he replied.

These are for you, Mr French:

Ok, so everyone knows what the 69 position is (representing oral sex, right)...
What's a 68?
You do me, and I'll owe you one!
What’s a 70 ?
A 69 with a finger up your ass...

Why did God give men penises?
'So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.'

What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck!

Why do men like blowjobs?
Its the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
 
What's the difference between your wife and your job?  
Your wife quit sucking after 2 years...
 
Why is it difficult to pronounce "fellatio"?
It's quite a mouthful !

  The Big Bad Wolf says to Little Red Riding Hood,
"I'm going to fuck your brains out."
  Little Red Riding Hood responds, "Oh,nooo - you're not.  
"You're going to eat me just like the book says.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor.

Q: What three words can ruin a man's ego?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What do the Mafia and sex have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.  

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a
Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a
brazilian?"

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said
you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A lickalotopus

Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber.

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boo bees (Boobies)

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!

And this one's especially for you AlexandraS:

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they're plugged into a genius!

Ok, one more... We are flooded here in Chicago, so I guess I'll spend most of my day at home ...

What is the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?
In the climax of making love the mistress says : 'OOooohh, ooh, Yes, baby, come!!!'
The hooker looks at her watch and says : ' Hun, it's time for you to come',
And the wife : 'Beige, I'll paint the ceiling beige' ...