The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night,
 and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
 It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit
 suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
 So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

 I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong.
 I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
 I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.

 Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night,
 and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
 "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
 "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
 "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
 It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Be safe fellow mongers