So It Is Written  

A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have."
"Even PMS?" a woman asked.
"Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it and tell you the passage at Mass next week."
So everyone goes home, and the priest is looking for the passage and Sunday comes around.
He gets in front of the congregation and begins his Homily in Mass. "People, I have found the passage in the Bible referring to PMS."
"Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked.
"It's right here in this passage where it says, 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem'

Have to bring that to my pastor--see if he has the guts to use it.  He is a jokester.

The Bible is a fount of wisdom.  For example, a man was staying in a big city hotel and went down to the hotel's upscale nightclub after dinner when the hat check girl caught his eye.  Determined to have her, he engaged her in conversation and used every line that had worked for him in the past, but none clicked with her.  During the conversation, he ascertained that she was a rural girl who was very religious, so his final ploy was to advise her that the Bible had foreordained that they would meet and have relations.

Being very religious, the girl succumbed to his charms over and over upon his assurances the Bible had assured him that they were destined to have sex.  Finally, in the morning, the girl, a little suspicious (and perhaps a little ashamed) asked where in the Bible did his message come from.  The man opened the Gideon Bible in the nightstand and showed her the flyleaf, where someone had written "The hatcheck girl screws."