HOW TO  START A FIGHT
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One year, I decided to  buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I  replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last  year!"
And that's how the fight  started.....

______________________________

My  wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in  bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she  answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even  look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like  to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight  started...

________________________________

I  took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my  order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for  herself."
And that's when the fight  started.....

________________________________

My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and  she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at  a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she  sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking  right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been  sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on  celebrating that long?"
And then the fight  started...

________________________________

When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that  I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to  take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something  more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her  point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall  grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I  watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was  gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a  toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as  well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will  always have a  limp.

________________________________

My  wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's  on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight  started...

________________________________

Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped  quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van,  and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was  blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,  and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into  the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up  to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered,  "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied,  "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And  that's how the fight  started...

________________________________

My  wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming  anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150  in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the  fight  started......

________________________________

After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social  Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License  to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my  wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would  have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your  shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She  said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and  she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I  excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security  office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have  gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight  started...

________________________________

My  wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not  happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old,  fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied,  "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight  started........