1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:  

"Dear Bubba:  Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.  Be back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit  bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.  I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.  Anyway, I locked all four of  'em in the house.

Better wait outside.  Be right back.

“Cooter"