ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically, you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you, but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a funeral and/or make a pass at the widow - an uncaring opportunistic bastard. Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat the shit out of you this month. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. You will either end your days bitter and alone, having been betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, or your wife will murder you for the insurance and shack up with your brother. This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your longed for soul mate. However, your wife will seduce him, and both of them will laugh their asses off at you - while he drinks your beer in your bed.

GEMINI (May 21- June 21)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a manic-depressive schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo. The type of person who'd kill his/her own self to win a bet. This month, you are likely to be busy furthering a passionate carnal relationship with a latex sex toy. Either that, or your neighbors dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline.

CANCER (June 22-July 22)
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. In other words, an unscrupulous bastard who would sell his Mother's kidneys to make a few extra bucks. People generally detest you and they are absolutely correct in their estimation of you. The heavens suggest that you are likely to be murdered and your body disposed of in several trash cans. This will cause much joy and celebration in the lives of all who know you.

LEO (July 23-August 22)
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, a dumb fuck without even the common sense of a carrot. You will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare. People don't really think it's funny receiving photocopies of your hairy ass, but you're the type of asshole who thinks it's hilarious. This is a good week to do yourself and everyone else a favor: hang yourself.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually homosexual and the majority of Virgo women are whores. This week is a good time to start that masturbating marathon you want to record on your web cam. An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved one's for the remainder of this month.