LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you a doormat for every pathological fuck-up on this side of the Missouri. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. This month a stranger will borrow your car and tell you straight out he has no intention of returning it. As usual, you are likely to smile and say, "You're welcome."

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, those are your only good points. You have an insatiable curiosity and a strong desire to try new things, probably because your life is a shit hole in the middle of nowhere - a one-horse-town with no horse. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet or try bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck. Your romance life is not looking good either. You should dump your girlfriend before she dumps you later in the month.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to be addicted to fetish pornography and import German sex toys. Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you're foolishly optimistic about your chances of a romp in the sack this month. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet, reflective type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best (and only) friend is probably your mother. It's a great month for adventure. The sky is the limit, so get ahead and do all the crazy things you always wanted to do. Of course, you won't enjoy any of it and all of your ambitions are likely to end in failure and bitter disillusionment, but don't let that stop you - it will give you plenty more things to brood 'reflectively' about.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. In short, you have no grasp of reality and live in a complete fantasy world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. This month is not a good time to start a new relationship. If you do, you are likely to have your first experience of transsexual sex while in a drugged condition. Watch out for the safety of your things if you are in public places. Avoid a double-crossing Libran.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch and an absolute pervert, at the very least, a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. This is a good month to give your sister back her panties before she discovers the theft and confronts you about it in front of your friends