Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows not the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, bolt immediately. Go next door, where they're serving the rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can hold. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt  scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.  You  can't find it any other time of year but now. So chug it down! Who cares that  it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for  me. Have two. It's later than you think. Hell, it's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, for goodness sakes use it. That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed  potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or  whole milk. If it's skim, pass. It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission or a non-alcohol beer. Why bother?

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control  your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other  people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the  time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table  while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if  you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have  three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or  get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread all tips;  start over, but hurry; January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave  with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in  the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Hot damn!"

Use the whole runway!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!