One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel
this
way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only
increasing
your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the french fries from
the
3:00 AM Denny's
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive.
Anytime
a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored
schnapps
shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better
right
now if you
were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a
gallon
of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you
might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking
of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you
only
shaved one side of
your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your
sphincter is in perpetual
spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings
water to the eyes of
everyone who enters the
bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the
employee who sits
in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making
you
dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth
in
an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate
saliva so your tongue
is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in
your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose
like
discharge of alcohol-scented
fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater'
seems to be to splash the
toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right
now....