The White House  Washington, DC
     February 19, 2002

Dear Friend:

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing the treatment of the Taliban
and El Qaedadetainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration
takes
these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in
Washington.

               As part of the

Administration's Retraining Program, you'll be pleased to learn that the
Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care.
Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on
Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It
will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct
weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually
being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.

His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that
do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. While he does bite,
the rabies test was negative, so not to worry. However, your adopted
detainee does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely
remedied

Although he sociopathic and extremely violent, we are confident that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
difficulties as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to
offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb.
We do not suggest
that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge
party. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
this action appears paranoid and offensive to your detainee.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage. "Does
not play well with others.   Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with
the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes
simultaneously. That should help with your water bill. Also, he does not
know how to use a toilet, so you will have to dig a squat hole in the floor.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, and is
especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.

You take good care of our detainee. We'll be watching

 Cordially,

  George W. Bush