Conversations that passengers normally don't hear.

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
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While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US
Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for
you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but
get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting   hysterically: "God, you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell
you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly
silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage
the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every
cockpit at LGA was   running high. Then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on
downwind to make a
three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally
used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it
costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty
in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger,
give me four thousand dollars' worth."
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing
with his approach
speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the
end of the runway,       if able. If not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a
right at the light to return to the airport."
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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a
Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to
land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're
following a 727, one   o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a
Malibu, eleven   o'clock and three miles. Do you have
that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long
pause): "Well...I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a
Malibu or a Chevette."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f$%#@*&g bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself   immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f$%#@*&g bored, not
f$%#@*&g stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on
124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on
the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on
124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our
caterers."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
short-tempered lot.
they not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement
that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between   Frankfurt ground control and a
British
Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird  206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt,
Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main
taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, ground, I'm looking
up our gate   location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
have you never
flown
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in
1944. In another type
of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't
stop."
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this... I've got that
Fokker in sight."
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A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start
clearance in Munich   overheard the following: Lufthansa
(in German): Ground, what is our   start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in   Germany. Why must I speak
English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"