My  wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do  you want to have sex?"

"No,"  she answered.

I  then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She  didn't even look at me this time, simply saying  "Yes."

So I  said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And  then the fight started....



********



After retiring, I went to the Social  Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the  counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age.

I looked in  my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman  that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt  revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your  chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security  application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my  experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should  have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....



****



Saturday morning I got up  early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped  quietly into the garage .

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and  proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing  50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and  discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the  house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to  my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The  weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied,  'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's  how the fight started ...



****



My wife and I were sitting at a table  at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady  swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife  asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I  understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says  my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....



****



I rear-ended a car this  morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other  driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo  stressed and  Little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't  believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up  at me, and shouted,  'I AM NOT
HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him  and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight  started.....



****



I took my wife to a restaurant. The  waiter, for some reason, took my order  first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium  rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the  mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for  herself.'

And then the fight  started.....



****



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is  not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,  'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near  perfect.'

And then the fight started....