I got a phone call the other day from an old flame of mine. It had been years since we'd spoken and was great to catch up. We were getting on really well and she suggested that we should meet up "for old time's sake". I was well up for it, as I hadn't been getting any for a while. We arranged to meet up the following day.

Now, in truth I'd let myself go a bit over the years and so thought I'd come clean. I told her "I'm probably not quite how you remember me. I've started to go bald and have been indulging a little too much in the good life."

To which she started to giggle like a schoolgirl and then said to me, "Oh, don't worry! I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.