An old guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
#1 CHEESE-BURGER: $10.50
#2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $10.50
#3 HAND-JOB: $100.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meagre looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.
He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone...

After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside.
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has a penis AND a brain?!