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Perspective is everything
redhot See my TER Reviews 1251 reads
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Another book about working in the commercial sex industry came out this week.  While this one is from a woman that worked as a pro-Domme (not FS), there are still issues that are similar and shared among all sex workers.  

The author had some interesting and insightful moments in the interview...too bad it ended on a note of her being somehow damaged ("humiliated") in the process of her experience.  I wish more people would own their own mistakes instead of blaming the industry or customers...  She chose the job of her own free will, she could leave it at any time if it became humiliating and distasteful.

To all my sisters (and brothers) owning their experiences as sex workers without apology: MORE POWER TO YOU!!

Much love to you all...

xoM

Related Link: Perspective is everything

HangingwithBears639 reads

is that most sex workers aren't in the profession because they want to be. My gut feeling is that most do this out of financial desperation, mistakes not withstanding. How many providers are in this simply because they like a lot of sex and figure they can make some side cash but don't really need the money? I'll take a guess at 0.

Same with strippers, it's kind of depressing once you realize how trapped some of these women are. We go into strip clubs and convince ourselves that the girls are exhibitionists and like putting on a show for the guys. Then you start hearing what they talk about in the dressing room and your perspective changes...

Owning mistakes is fine but some people believe (and correctly so in some cases) it's not their fault that they're trapped as sex workers. Sometimes it's just bad luck and we're all susceptible to circumstances beyond our control.

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redhot925 reads

Obviously not the same people I am... :-/

This is a lifestyle choice for me (as well as for others I know).  I could do other things if I wanted, but I choose to do this because I enjoy it (the most important part!).  Also because I can make a decent living, set my own schedule, travel, etc.  Sure, I could struggle at another type of job, then give away my intimate self for free...but why when I can make a living doing something I love, and roll it all into one?? Oh right...I guess that makes it all ok to *give* it away, but not make a living off of it...  That makes it so much more honorable, right??

Are some women trapped and/or doing sex work for survival??  Absolutely!  Others are trapped in boring factory jobs, mindlessly inserting A into B all day long all for the luxury of a paycheck. (how about the irony of that, eh?? lol)  I felt more taken advantage of when I worked in the restaurant business then I ever have in sex work...even when I worked for others.

Being trapped due to trafficking is a horrendous part of this industry.  Being forced into sexual slavery against one's will is abhorrent.  But there is a difference between THAT and someone choosing sex work out of necessity because that is the one commodity a woman can always count on...  Our society stigmatizes these women as victims.  It makes us feel better to pity them, instead of letting them own their situation (when it's not forced) and what brought them to that point.  I'm not downplaying how awful it must be to decide to do something you said you never would do for the sake of survival, but when it really gets to a survival point and you have no other options, your perspective on life tends to change.

I honor those that do this work from a place of survival.  I wish there were more programs to prevent those situations from happening, but the reality is: there isn't.  I'm not going to pity those women, as I know they will do what they need to do for themselves, for their children, and for their families.  I honor their courage and strength, and support them in their perseverance on their intended path.

And you can't tell me that the educated, articulate author of that book had no other skills to ply for a paycheck...  No, I don't feel sorry for her.  I appreciate her story, but I do not pity her for one second.

Here's my question to you PP: how do you hire sex workers if you feel most of us are trapped??  What are you doing here?  

xoMegan

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Sage of Chicago1520 reads

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bigmart655 reads

Well, it shouldn't be a suprise that most SP's get into this out of desperation, not inspiratioon.  Its a profession that most of society deems immoral and even quite a few of those that participate still have guilt issues on either side of the equation.  The ones that embrace what they do and are able to deal with societal influences tend to be very popular providers.  Hopefully as things become more and more accepted this will become the norm.

As far as the pro-domme in the book (which I'm going to have to add to my reading list) - things are even worse for providers in that particular niche as its definitely branded as being outside the norm; even in this hobby people judge others that have intersts outside the mainstream.  Just a guess, but sounds like she never embraced her profession or found much enjoyment in it which is sad.  I've always found most establish pro-dommes relish in their role; thats not to say there aren't downsides to it (particularly with needy clients) and they get lumped into the "prostitutes" category even though most don't provide f/s or deliberate sexual contact.  Fine line to walk indeed.

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redhot657 reads

...wouldn't it make it more acceptable for women to *choose* it of their own free will??  Right now, most women wait until they are pushed against a wall before entering sex work (and yes Marty, pro-Domme work is sex work whether FS or not), and I would venture to say that if the stigma/judgment was removed, you would see even MORE women choose this profession...those that needed money PLUS those that just wanted to do it for the fun and experience of it.  

And it's "worse" for pro-Dommes?? LOL  Forgive me if I don't agree with those using THAT argument...  Sex work is fulfilling sexual fantasies, whether that is by direct contact and stimulation or not.  (and yes, SOS is direct sexual contact my dear...)  Many sex workers like to try and distance themselves from what other sex workers do because of their own insecurities about owning what they do as an unconventional, sex related job.  They think that by tearing down other aspects of the industry, it validates what they are choosing to do.  Same goes for strippers, porn actors/actresses, fetish models, tantrikas, etc.  Guess what??  We all make a living giving someone a thrill...we just do it in different ways.  

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HangingwithBears676 reads

"Right now, most women wait until they are pushed against a wall before entering sex work".

That's pretty much what I was saying, lol.

Interesting note: CSI seems to have taken a bit of the stigma away from the dominatrix fetish. The show portrayed her as not so much a sex worker but rather as a woman who fulfilled fantasies. I don't think that any show (news or otherwise) has made high-end escorting seem more acceptable in society. I think society draws a line between those two professions that's very different from where we in the hobby put that line. Same thing with massages. There are legit female CMT's that offer nothing that would be perceived as sex but we in the hobby don't see those types of CMTs, lol. Our standards are different because of our participation.

Good discussion BTW. We should have more of these...

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redhot727 reads

The "0 percent" thing is hard to get behind. :-p  

I started from a place of financial need (not desperation).  I had other options, but this presented itself, and I said "Hey!  Let's give this a shot!  Sounds like a fun, quick way to get back on top of things!"  It was, and I stayed after getting my finances back in order because I enjoyed the work, for a multitude of reasons.  I don't know if I would have considered this work had I not been in a place of financial need though...not with the way our society generally views it.  It took me quite some time to reconcile the choice and be comfortable with it...not because I'm not ok with the work, but because of the conflicts it creates outside of work with society and family.  And I have a wonderfully supportive network of friends and family...so consider how much more difficult it is for those that don't have a good support system, and how that plays into their processing/victimhood.  People will forgive you easier if you play the victim too don't you know... ;-)

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HangingwithBears540 reads

The 0 percent figure seems to still apply even in your case. Had you not had a time of financial need at one time, you probably wouldn't be in this business. My intended point was that I've never heard of any woman going into this business that didn't have a financial need to. In other words, I've never heard of a woman who chose this as a profession for no other reason than she'd get a lot of sex and make a lot of money. Of those providers with your mindset, what do you think the percentage is that actually enjoy what they do? Think like a guy for a second, if the tables were turned and I was a sexaholic and I could get paid well for having a ton of sex with hot women, would I go into the biz? Damn straight! I'll venture a pretty safe bet that women don't think the same way, lol. Well, maybe 5%? 2%... you tell me :-)

P.S. Watch "Hung" on HBO for more on men's take on the hobby, LOL.

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redhot879 reads

The reason I started has long been overshadowed and put to rest by the other benefits, so your arugement does not hold.  It was temporary, and as I said, ~not my only option~...which is the important distinction from the way you framed your original statements.  

Yes, I could have also been a lawyer had I wanted...  I prefer to help them get stress relief instead. ;-)

And BTW-I do know women that started simply because of WANT...with no financial necessity in play.  They are out there.  It really doesn't matter how or why one started, all that really matters is what motivates her TODAY.  Focus too much on the past and you miss what is in the present, and right in front of you.  Hopefully that is a healthy, happy playmate. :-)

My best to you,

xoM

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HangingwithBears839 reads

Megan, don't get me wrong, I've seen quite a few ladies who really enjoy what they do and choose it as a profession for the same reasons as you. I go out of my way to find women exactly like you but I've also seen quite a few who were backed into a corner by financial problems.

I try very hard to avoid ending up in a situation where the provider is doing it as a last resort but how do we know going in what their reasons are? It's not like they're going to tell me before the meeting, "Oh, by the way, I need money really bad and that's the only reason I'm doing this". We hope they enjoy what they do when we walk in the door but when we leave, sometimes we realize that's not the case. I'm sure I'm not the only guy who's left an appointment a little sorry he saw a certain provider because she didn't want to be an escort and it was pretty clear she was doing it ONLY for the money. From that perspective, escorting is like any other profession. I certainly wouldn't be in my profession if I hated it. But I can think of a lot of other jobs I'd hate doing but would do if I had no other choice. Also, consider the hobbyist as an employer...how many employers would hire a professional who clearly hated the job? Would you see a doctor who was obviously only in it for the money and didn't care one bit about you as a patient? As with escorts, we only find this out after the initial experience.

So to answer your question and clarify my statements a bit, I hire escorts who I believe are really into it and who I hope aren't doing it out of desperation. Unfortunately, my initial judgment doesn't always pan out and I leave feeling like I've used her. No respectable gentleman wants to walk out of an appointment feeling like he just took advantage of a woman's desperation to get sex. Now there's a feel-good huh? I justify hiring escorts by hoping we're BOTH having fun and her donation is just a side benefit. Sure, we know that's not the case but as long as she enjoys being with me, I'm happy.

I'm curious about how many providers chose this as a profession for "fun and profit" as opposed to needing money and having no other way to get it quickly. I wonder what that ratio is...

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redhot861 reads

johngalt has a great response.

While I know that men must come across women that are not really in to being a sex worker, I don't know how one could continue to make dates, let alone go through with them, if there was a sense that they were desperate...  I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't understand how one could look in the mirror if that happened more then once, unless that person actually got off on the desperation factor (which is indeed a kink for some...and just role play for some of us others lol).  Don't you figure out how to avoid it the next time?  Make a plan to give her a cancellation fee then leave??  How does all of that get reconciled in the head??

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HangingwithBears658 reads

I don't get off on another person's desperation, quite the contrary, I find that despicable. I try to communicate with providers before an appt and get a sense of what they're about. It's hard before an appt. though and first-time visits are where I get most information and I can pretty much tell what's up after the first visit. Now, I have to be careful what I say here because I don't want anyone whom I've seen getting the wrong message. I do try to avoid future meetings with a lady who seems desperate or not into it or any other reason that leads me to conclude she's not having fun or enjoying my company. It could be me or it could be her situation, I simply can't make that distinction most of the time. Unlike you Megan, most providers simply can't or choose not to communicate well and so sometimes I take a chance and see how it goes. I like meeting new ladies like most of the guys here and if she doesn't communicate and I really want to see her, I have no choice but to take a chance. I'd prefer to have the kind of back and forth we're having so it's absolutely clear where she stands. That's the ideal situation but it doesn't happen very often.

So what to do? Quit hobbying? Be more selective? I prefer the latter choice. But how selective can I get before I see no one? As it turns out, not very selective at all because communication like yours is rare. Remember, we're men and the little head has a lot of influence over the big head. How do we go on in the hobby? The big head says ask the little head. If it wasn't for the overwhelming influence the little head has, there'd be no hobby and the human race would have become extinct long ago. Need I say more about how we guys think? I would never be mean to anyone on purpose but my divining rod leads me to places I probably shouldn't be going. Mind over matter is a great theory but that little piece of matter between our legs is very "head"strong, so to speak.

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Hardwood469511 reads

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magnumdawg543 reads

Link?  

I'm enjoying this discussion as I too make a point of trying to play with only those who have chosen their profession because they realized they could make a good living doing something they love.  

-- Modified on 3/9/2010 8:59:22 PM

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movingrightalong627 reads

Agree and disagree, P_P.  You and I have discussed, and I think agree, that economics seem to drive the decision to get into the profession -- just as we could generalize the reasons we hobbyists jump in.  I also agree that the decision doesn't always work out for a provider and, because the money is now "needed," it may be difficult to back out.  As such -- some providers seem to be more "into it" than others. Q.E.D., I seek out those who are, in fact, really enjoying what they do.  Just like you.

However, I do not feel like I have "used" a provider who may not be all that keen on the business.  Just as I would not question your right to feel some regret when you feel the provider isn't enjoying the bargain, I also refuse to diminish an adult woman's decision by feeling sorry for her.  Just my take.

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Axxel1159 reads

Im sad for the ladies involved that I think I must agree with you for the most part, I wouldn't say 0 percent, but id say lass than 10

  I want to clarify that I was responding to PP

-- Modified on 3/9/2010 11:54:05 AM

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RaeMonroe809 reads

My one mantra has always been "Own your own mistakes."

The choices we make in life are our own. There are instances where people are kidnapped and forced into sex work and other things but that is not what I'm talking about.

The street walker, what choices did she make early on that ultimately put her in that position. The point is that SHE chose.

Me, I CHOSE to do this. I do it of my own free will and volition because it's an enjoyable job. There are many different things that I could be doing and I am sorry that others have such a jaded view of this line of work.

Love Rae

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