Maybe I pay way too much attention in public restrooms, but I have a few gripes. They are as follows:
- As I’ve explained before, groans of satisfaction are completely unwelcome. Please stop it now.
- Touching me at any point while I am “engaged” in my “activity” is strictly forbidden. You might as well cup my balls while you’re at it.
- Why am I not allowed to enjoy the handicapped stall? I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting to lounge in the luxurious vastness that is the handicapped toilet. I like to get in there and set up a little coffee table, maybe a small T.V. and just have some me time. Is that so wrong?
- Often times, there are two styles of urinals in the men’s restroom: The Highboy and the Lowboy. There are many men that refuse to use The Lowboy, as if it is reserved for midgets. Just step up and drain it, yogurthead.
- I don’t mean to give away any guy secrets here, but there are several methods that men use to pee. Some men prefer to hold down the pants with one hand and “aim” with the other hand. This is commonly referred to as The Two-Hand Flip and Drip. Ok, I just made that up, but that’s what it should be called. This is the method that I use and is the most generally accepted, unless you are some sort of fetishist or pedophile. One of the other methods always makes me giggle a little; I call this method The Gladiator and it involves taking the wang out and then putting both hands on the hips, as if to say, “I am The King of all that I see here!” These men always seem like they are waiting for applause. Another method, which I’ll call The Ankle Biter, I’ve only seen a couple of times. Here, the man employs a stand-at-the-urinal-and-drop-the-pants-all-the-way-to-the-floor maneuver. It’s like nobody taught him the rules after potty training at age four. It’s just sad.
- It’s ok to fart in the bathroom, but don’t look at me and smile. I’m very proud of you, but we’re not going to make out.
- I don’t care if you didn’t “touch it” or “wipe it”, wash your hands, scumbag.
- When either of us are in the act, do not talk to me. I need to concentrate.
- Ok, now this is definitely a guy secret that I’m giving away. When I take it out and let loose, I have no idea which direction this fire hose is gonna spray. I’ve always thought this was some sort of flaw in God’s design. You’d think that if you aim it down, it’d go down. But sometimes, when you aren’t paying any attention, it’ll just spray off to the right at a 45 degree angle like it’s a Vegas water show. I literally get angry with my penis when this happens. Sometimes I scold it, which usually draws some concerned glances from the other restroom patrons.