So I'm going to tell you. I'm not actually asking you for anything, I'm just talking. 

I think I've decided I'm looking for friends. Or friendship. And the hobby isn't the way to do it, but it does give me a little piece of what I'm looking for. It's how I originally got into this really...I'm socially awkward, so I can't really talk up a girl and get her in bed...but hey money! And problem solved! Now I'm like that but with conversation. I look for providers who seem like they'd be fun to talk to. 

And I've had great luck there recently, plus of course the sex is a bonus. But it's nearly like the primary reason I'm there is to be friendly. I think...my current fantasy is that I see a provider, and after we're done she asks if I want to hang and chat for a while. Or I show up and we get to talking so much that I run out of time and have to get back to the office, and we don't even get to fooling around or anything and we're both happy I stopped by anyway. 

Really I think this probably isn't good for my long-term development. The part I have trouble with is initial contact, and after that I'm golden. I'm fun and entertaining to talk to. So I'm "solving" that by paying someone to interact with me, which is actually cool and fun but it seriously limits any growth potential, since it's not like that relationship could go anywhere. It'd be hard to explain to the wife why I'm suddenly friends with a 19-yr-old hottie from California, for example. 

And my wife! That's probably part of it, I want to be able to meaningfully talk to someone about how my marriage is great and I love my wife, but I missed out on a lot of interaction in my early years and I'm enjoying catching up a bit. And it'd hurt her terribly if she knew I was doing this, but I know in my heart it's just physical. But I also know that's not an excuse. 

So yeah, just using you all as open-air therapy, I guess. I've already told my therapist these things but she's not nearly as hot as the women I've seen recently.