ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....  
I don't remember what I chose.  

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.  

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.  

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."  

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and  
'stop', unless they are used together.  

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.  

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try

Weakly.  

8. Virginity can be cured.  

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.  

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.  

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.  

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.  

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.  

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.  

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.  

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.  

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives

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The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth, so she shaves, cleans up, and goes to the doctor for the procedure. She wakes up to find three roses on her bed, so she asks the nurse who sent the roses.

The nurse says, “The doctor was really happy to have such a clean work area, so to show his appreciation, he sent you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he cannot wait to dig into that nice tight love patch.”

“What about the third rose?” asks the patient.

“Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears.

George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was so nice, and you were rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute!"

"I don't believe you. That sweet young lady?"

"Okay, let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Heather to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Heather walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$325 basic rate, for the hour." she said.

George acted taken aback. "$325!  I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Heather laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business, then. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Heather came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
 
*Disclaimer - no likeness intended to any one real, lol.  I don't know a George, Hazel, or Heather!

i sure do miss Andy Rooney. Yea #13 was great....i also like #10...thanks for the above...great laugh Goldie

hammered, overbidding, underbidding, just not communicating well.  Finally one of the pair stands up and says 'I've got to go take a leak.'  So his partner says 'Thank God!, and his partner asks "Why do you say that?' and his partner glares at him and says 'For the first time tonight, I'll be sure what you're holding in your hand!'

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