The Dow went up 70% last year, don't worry about it.

You can't control the stock market.  But you can pin a beautiful young girl to the mattress and fuck her silly, which will make you feel more in control and better about the situation.  So my suggestion is to "just do it," as Nike says.  In the long run, what's $300 anyways?

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.. I never saw her again after that night.... I guess we don't watch the same movies!