An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical, and his wife tagged along. The doctor entered the examination room and told the man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”
The old man, being hard to hearing, looked at his wife and yelled, “What did he say?” His wife yelled back, “He needs your underwear.”
A husband bought a new brand of condom named Olympic. When he got home he informed his wife of his purchase.
“Olympic condoms?” she asked. “What makes them so special?”
“The are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver, and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked cheekily.
”Gold, of course,” said the man proudly.
“Why don’t you wear silver?” the wife responded. “It would be nice if you came second for a change.”


A tour bus traveling through Nevada drove by the Mustang Ranch.
The guide noted, “We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America.” To which a male passenger shouted. “Why?”


A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of newborn puppies when George W. Bush came by on his morning run. Bush asked the boy what the puppies were.
The boy said, “Republicans.”
The president beamed, patted the boy on the head and said, “Thatta boy!”
A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy house, winked at Dick and said, “Hey, kid, what kind of puppies are in the box?”
The boy said, ‘Democrats.”
Bush looked crushed and said. “What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans.”
“Well,” the boy said, “that was before they opened their eyes.”


A busy couple whose schedules allowed them to have sex only once a month bought a box of 12 condoms so they would be set for a year. Three months down the road, the wife went to get one and found the box empty. “What Happened to the other 10 condoms?” she asked.
He nervously replied, “Er, I masturbated with them.”
Later she shared the story with a male friend and asked, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if i'd ever lied to my wife.”


A guy was at the supermarket when a sexy blonde raised her hand and smiled at him.
He was taken aback at such a looker waving to him. Unable to place her, he said, “Sorry, do you know me?”
She replied, “I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.”
His mind shot back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. “Holy shit,” he said.
“Are you that stripper from my bachelor party who I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girl friend whipped me with wet celery?”
“No,” she replied, “I’m your son’s teacher.”


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