Ok, this might get confusing, so try to follow:

Lets say a client regularly uses the services of well-reviewed provider.   Not necessarily ATF but regular at least.

Let further suppose this provider has another client who is a regular, and inadvertently the provider realizes the two clients know each other.  

Maybe the clients are neighbors, or good friends or co workers, even relatives.  But these clients have no idea about each other or that they are hobbyist or that they are regularly seeing the same provider.

Are you with me so far?   If so, here are my questions.

First, would it be acceptable for the provider to mention or tell either client, “I think I know someone you know ……., he’s a client.” ?

Second, suppose somehow one client learns about the other.  And lets just say it was an innocent revelation, not the provider giving up the information, maliciously or mistakenly.  Maybe a client figures it out on his own and tricks the provider into confirming.  

As a provider, are you bound to tell the other client about the revelation, so that both clients have the same info?   Ie. One guy doesn’t have dirt on the other that the other has no idea is out there?

If I were one of the clients, I would not want someone else to have information on me that I don’t know about that person.   (especially a brother in law.)

In the swingers world, if one sees friends or another acquaintances at a swingers party,  it’s referred to as MAD, (mutually assured destruction).  You both know that each went to a swingers party so you both stand to loose the same, everyone keeps their mouth shut in a perfect world.

If another hobbyist who knew me personally or professionally discovered me, I would hope to have the same knowledge about them just as “insurance” so to speak, and I would hope the provider would tell me to help “level the playing field”.  

Finally, anothe question altogether,
I often wonder how many of my friends, neighbors or co workers are doing this and I’m reading their reviews or post daily and have no idea its them.   What really scares me is someone like MP67 or OSP might be a relative!

Or like Darth Vader in Star Wars, JohnGaltNH is my Father!

who is your MOM ????   0oyeee ???

to not say a word in either situation .  Telling one client about another will only cause trouble for you.
It is best to avoid all that drama.

this has not happened, it's a "what if" scenario, not a factual account.  

I've often wondered who might know what I'm up to (besides the FBI*CIA*HS) and who I might know is playing the same game that I'm playing.

Out of that wasted bandwidth grew the OP.  

I'm just trying to start some discussion.





-- Modified on 9/12/2010 9:18:18 PM

Unless you pass the guy in the hallway as he is leaving I can't really see a scenario where this would happen...at least not in my perfect world.  A provider needs to be discreet at all times and this includes any discussion of other customers. Included in this would be any sort of out-loud speculation about you and any of her other clients.  If one guy happens to figure it out no one else is under any obligation to level the playing field. In fact, it is incumbent upon the lady to keep her mouth shut and deny if necessary.

a guy he know is also your client, i would "accidently" tell the other
guy that the other guy asked you about him, so they both are aware
of each other, and hopefully "detente" or "MAD" will apply.

Theoritically speaking, of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

$.02

I would never give out info on a client without his consent or request. IMHO, that needs to be the simple universal rule that is followed- always. this includes me denying a question about another client, i seriously doubt i could even be in a conversation with a client, that could lead to this client feeling comfortable enough to ask a question like this. It's none of his business, why should he care anyway i am wondering?

Also, I could never in vision this happing other than the two walking pass each other in the parking lot (thats one of the reasons i go out of my way to not give out my location ahead of time so no one is hanging around my in-call early making accidents unlikely).

What's more, nether person has to know what the other was doing there. If the hotel has a restaurant it could be for food, if not it could be to get rates for a future family members visit, or even that "MAY" be held long in the future, or rates to host an office meeting. If it were just so "obvious" that everyone that walked in or out a hotel was up to hobbing we would long of been shut down (although some do have it written across there face as the walk in).

and one more side note, if i were a guy, and did know that my "friend" or observed someone else i may just know, leaving a provider, i would not be so shady, as to need "m.a.d.", i would just not share this info, why would i want to be in-between/ or the cause of harming someones life. That seems dangerous!! I have no desire, why would you? but i guess we all don't think the same, and some people do have big months, for no good reason.

just my two pennies..

I see a whole lot of possible negative results for revealing or confirming this information but for the life of me I cant see an upside.

I am relieved to hear your side of this hypothetical. The situation never even occurred to me before but this is the one thing in my life that is completely private. There is no one with whom I would share this part of my life and I would expect that my provider would protect my information just as I protect hers. I guess I have just always been lucky with the providers I have seen and I never had to worry about it.

Providers have an obligation to keep others anonymity. Not just for a hobbyist but for other providers they know on a more personal level. Same goes for the other way around.  What if a lady works with another lady in real life but neither know the other is a provider. Do you as the client share that info with each one?  I would hope not since it's basically outing the other person.
There are men and women who share their personal information with others and then those very same people projectile vomit that information to anyone who will listen. Simply put, it's never OK to share info. I can't think of a single instance where, outside provider reference requests, that it would be appropriate. I know guys who work together and figured out they were both hobbyists. However, it had nothing to do with a lady telling them.
If this were to ever happen, and I assume it would somewhere-somehow, the lady should deny, deny, deny, and play stupid. I've always said, "Who? I don't know anyone but the dog and the cat."  

Hope everyone is off to the start of a great week.

Just my .33 cents.  

AR
XO

But am I really so sinister a character? (*grin*) Hold on while I grab my ... uh ... "light sabre." (*chuckle*)

You've asked several questions here.

'First, would it be acceptable for the provider to mention or tell either client, “I think I know someone you know ……., he’s a client.”'

NO WAY!  I don't care WHO those clients are, she is being paid to be silent.

I have a real-world friend that I put in touch with a particular provider. The price? HE is not to know that *I* have ever seen her. Wouldn't he suspect? Not necessarily. In the real-world I have legitimate reasons for knowing and being in the company of providers. So the price she pays both for my business and the business I refer is that nobody knows who anyone else is. In exchange, she puts money in her bank account.

"Second, suppose somehow one client learns about the other.  And lets just say it was an innocent revelation, not the provider giving up the information, maliciously or mistakenly.  Maybe a client figures it out on his own and tricks the provider into confirming.   As a provider, are you bound to tell the other client about the revelation, so that both clients have the same info?   Ie. One guy doesn’t have dirt on the other that the other has no idea is out there?"

This is a tougher question on the surface; but it can be broken down to be answered in a couple of ways.

Do two wrongs make a right? No. So you do not commit a second wrong in an attempt to undo the first one. It may be that the first revelation would have no practical real-world import; but that a second revelation (to make things fair) could in fact work far greater harm than the first. Not every hobbyist is in the same circumstance or has the same risks or exposure. The fact that they are both hobbyists doesn't mean their situations are identical. So a revelation about one might be no big deal whereas a revelation about the other could be seriously problematic.

There are also differences in circumstance such that the risk differential between the two parties could put one in a position to blackmail the other. So compounding the initial wrong through additional disclosure is not the answer.

The ONLY exception I would make to this is if it becomes evident that the first person who received an inappropriate disclosure misused the data. In this case, as the provider is the one who made this possible, it is up to her to own-up to the subject of her disclosure and do everything within her power to set things right.  

Finally, providers really should be quiet just for their own self-interest. There have been MANY cases in the U.S. where wives and even the estates of deceased men have successfully sued providers for goodly sums. Even if a provider doesn't believe in ethics; she should most certainly believe in self-interest. And self-interest dictates that minimizing disclosures minimizes her risk of being targeted by a very angry and vindictive soon-to-be-ex-wife.