I saw a post on the GD board by a guy who noticed that the GFE can be a double-edged sword in that it boosts the realism of the experience -- but for some guys that boost of realism can cause a bit of emotional confusion.

There were a number of responses to the thread; but one response I consistently see is that hobbyists who look for "connection" are a problem.

I disagree with that point of view; because I believe that folks who object to this largely misunderstand the nature of connection as opposed to some sort of romantic entanglement. But rather than put my thoughts on the GD board, I figured I would put them here as they might generate some debate.

I am a hobbyist that could be said to look for "connection." I've hobbied for a bit more than 3 years, and have never experienced the "I've fallen and can't get up" phenomenon, nor have I ever had a provider refuse to see me for a followup  appointment.

Let me explain "connection" from my perspective -- what it IS, and what it is NOT.

I frankly have difficulty fucking a woman just because she is pretty. I can do it physically because I'm fairly young for a hobbyist and have normal physiological responses. But I don't enjoy it very much. Not enough to be paying, anyway.

(I realize that is not an issue for many men. But -- guess what? There are lots of different sorts of men out there; and the hobby is a big place. I am not condemning men who do things differently, and I expect them to accord me the same respect. If they can't they can go f4ck themselves.)

In order to actually ENJOY sex with the woman, I have to like her to some degree. Liking her is based upon my response to her values as a human being. It basically comes down to admiring her in some way, and respecting her as a result.

I have admired the women I have seen on many different basis. Some, for their sheer intellect. Some, for their remarkable wisdom or exemplary ethics. Some, for the skills outside the hobby that they have developed; or for a combination of different things. But whatever the cause, it all adds up to "This is a woman I admire, respect, and simply like as a person." Once that hurdle is crossed, I can successfully book her and stand a very high chance of enjoying her company immensely. It will be worth her fee.

THAT is connection. To some extent this may or may not be reciprocated. Some providers may get to know me a bit and be able to find me admirable as well in some respects. But, of course, it is hard to tell with a professional actress so I don't think much about that.

That is what connection is, for me. Here is what it is NOT -- for me.

It is not a desire for a romantic entanglement or involvement. I need romantic entanglement like I need a hole in my head. The ladies I see tend to be downright formidable in all respects. I want them constrained by their personal code of provider ethics so I am safe in dealing with them. (Those I see invariably have a code of ethics.)

It is not in any way an insertion into the woman's private life. Hey -- if a woman I've seen (or even some that I haven't), wants to contact me and bounce something of mutual interest off me -- that's fine. I may even do the same once in a while in some rare cases. But that's all it is. Like dealing with a colleague or something once in a long while. I have no interest in attending her birthday party.

It is not an attempt to get lower fees. I always, for my own reasons, pay a woman slightly more than her established fee. If she doesn't like that, I'm sure she'll understand once I explain why.

It is not an attempt to emotionalize the experience or turn it into something it is not. It is pay for play.

So -- in my opinion, a client who seeks connection as part of the experience doesn't really pose any problem.

I will say, as well, that I very carefully screen in such a way as to ONLY see providers for whom I am quite certain my approach will not be problematic.

Lets face it. There DO exist providers who view their clients as morally flawed, inferior and even contemptible. There exist providers who would even prefer not to know the client's real name. There exist providers for whom having sex with a client is emotionally damaging or for whom it confirms horrible notions of humanity. Read all about it on the Erotic Highway.

BUT -- there also exist providers who work quite well and even PREFER dealing with clients who seek connection. And those are the ones I see.

Recruit Manginas from the GD board !   I'm might bust a gut laughing!

Moderator, I have a question.

There is a full contact mixed martial arts bout to be held in Concord, NH in June. This is a tournament sanctioned by the NH boxing commission and is perfectly legal.

Naturally, I know about this because I am a well accomplished martial artist; young and in decent fighting form.

Would it fall within TER posting guidelines if I were to invite this WIMP who is misusing aliases to direct a PERSONAL attack against me ... to spar against me in full contact mixed martial arts at this legally sanctioned tournament?

I'm not issuing such an invitation -- merely asking if the issuance of such an invitation would fall within TER guidelines since the activity is legal.

Wonderful post, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your viewpoint sums up my own concept of creating a connection, while maintaining appropriate emotional boundaries. Personally, I am only interested in meeting a person when I believe we will be both intellectually and physically compatible. To achieve this, I encourage emailing and the occasional phone chat before meeting in person. Something odd I have found-- when I meet folks from this board they are almost always lurkers and rarely the posting sort. Not sure what the reason for that could be.

And the experience begins at the moment you read her ad.

I agree with you Bad Hobbyist.

Maybe it's because of the way I market myself but more than 90% of my clients seek some sort of connection and intimacy.
They don't want just a sex goddess (and I am most definitely not one), they want to feel connected, they want to get personal - and this does NOT mean they want to find out about my life outside the "hobby".

An Escort Marketer Specialist - YES, don't laugh at me, they exist! - once told me "Avoid trying to appeal to his (the client) sexual side only".

It's fact that clients are much more interested in the experience.

A fun little statistic for you:
48% of men who cheat, do so because of emotional dissatisfaction.
Only 8% of men cheat on their wives and girlfriends due to physical dissatisfaction.
(Survey by Counselor M. Gary Neuman)

"Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their woman to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right."

This is a great example of how driven men are by the experience of emotional connection to another person.

And like you said, "emotional connection" doesn't mean falling in love with your client/provider but to me, as a provider it means satisfying him not only on the sexual level, but on the emotional level as well.

Why would client want to kiss, talk, spoon, caress, take you to dinner and etc if it's just sex?

Of course there are clients looking just for the carnal satisfaction, but most of them are not.

Wimp?

Your well thought out post is challenged and your first resort is thinly veiled threats of violence even though you claim in your first post a desire for mutual respect?

Hah! You sir are the wimp, intellectually speaking of course. I am sure that physically you are a prime specimen of man who could pound me with your pinky (me: bowing while retreating) and I'm sure that's a great attitude for the ladies (Connect with me now or we must leave this room and go spar in Vermont!)

Self-awareness is the hardest thing to achieve and you sir have a ways to go.

"Everybody was Kung Fu fighting, Manginas were fast as lightning"  

I had fully anticipated this loser to issue a personal attack.

And I have no intention, even if he were to be so foolish as to accept, of subjecting him to violence. Even legal violence. No matter how deserving he may be.

You need to look a bit deeper to understand the point I was making.

I put the original post up for the SPECIFIC PURPOSE of demonstrating why this board is so fucking dead. It is dead because of losers like this idiot who feel entitled to rip apart anyone who doesn't think, feel and act like them.

They rip into their fellow hobbyists and they rip into providers they've never even seen. Instead of debating the content -- they try to kill the messenger.

Now -- HERE is the greater point I was making with that response. Look deeply, grasshopper.

The ability to use aliases is a freedom. But so is the ability to be free of intimidation, threat, force or fraud.

When a freedom is abused, as it was by this poster; that freedom is jeopardized for even those who do not abuse it.

Take, for example, the right to keep and bear arms. Why do people call for gun control? Because some people abuse that right; and as a result everyone will eventually use it.

Thus, in order to preserve freedom, it is sometimes necessary to constrain those who would abuse freedom through the threat of force; thereby preserving freedom for all.

I have zero intention of harming this loser. His very existence is a bane upon himself and he focuses his self-loathing outwards against others.  Just leaving him to his own devices is a guarantee of his ultimate debasement and self-destruction.

But while he is in that process; his behavior needs to be constrained so he doesn't threaten the rights of others. And his behavior can only be constrained through the use of some form of credible threat of force.

I used my hypothetical as a metaphor for what needs to be done with this self-destructing loser. He needs the ability to use aliases taken away from him and/or severe moderation so that he stops intimidating other posters on this board.

You are right -- intimidation is wrong.

I just wanted to demonstrate in a very clear-cut way even a self-destructing loser could grasp.

"Bloat like a buffalo, sting like a bee"

... it makes sense.

At a superficial level, you could say that I see providers because my wife has some serious psychosexual issues that prevent sex.

But, in reality -- I went several years without sex. It was a bit problematic, but nothing I couldn't handle. At least, I could handle it as long as my other basic human needs were being met.

The rubber hit the road, though, when I no longer felt my infinite efforts and patience were appreciated. Once that happened -- it was only a couple of months.

And I'm heartened that a lady out here shares my perspective, and sees that connection need not pose a problem with typical boundaries.

I agree with everything you say and reinforced by ShyProvider.  I also agree with dozens of reviews that talk about connection, chemistry, etc. But isnt that how emotional involvement usually begins? If you see a provider more than once, you obviously have some connection with her. Would you not be curious about how her well being, or day dream about the last session, the jokes you might have shared or the quiet dinner you had? Where does connection become a compelling force to see her more frequently?   When does connection force you to stop seeing other providers? How does one know when you have crossed the line?

We (both providers and clients) should remind ourselves  all the time that this is business, no matter how intimate and real and glowing it may be, this is still a commercial transaction.
Sure, we like to think that it's not, it adds to the experience.

I am extremely professional but I must admit I have trouble with this matter too.

I recently crossed the line and started to have "feelings" for a regular that treated me with exceptional care and regard.
When I realized it I was already going out with him on New Years Eve for a dinner date and overnight for free.
Being aware that he just wanted to be friends and hang out, I decided to immediately cease all communication with him and told him we should not see each other anymore because of my feelings, he understood and certainly moved to the next provider.

I think we are all adults who have fallen for someone at least once in our lives, we know how it is and we know how to stop it.

Caring and being friends with a provider or hobbyist is common and normal.
I had the pleasure of meeting the most spectacular friends of my life in the hobby, both ladies and gentlemen.

I draw the line when the friendship is becoming way more than just caring about the other person's well being.

-  Some hobbyists/providers can handle these situations better than others. Kudos to them!

-  There may be nothing wrong with a special relationship or two as long as they dont begin to creep into your civilian life.

- Just as hobbying is considered to be therapeutic at many levels by some,   relationships can do wonders to your emotional well being and self-worth.

- Sexual intimacy has to be the bed rock of all such relationships (as in married life), and as long as it is paid for, you havent crossed the line.

Very keen insight indeed.

Sometimes the relationship is just: that was fun, but it’s time to move on.

What I like to do most requires a relationship of trust that takes repeat sessions to develop, as the woman is unable to breathe.   Not every girl is game to do this, but the relationship is very strong for those that do.  These strong relationships never go sour, they just fade after the girl retires.

You (ShyProvider) I would love to meet!