Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.  In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.  In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.  After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes.  The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt's getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."  
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill.  
Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt. "I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"  
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky, and he started to make some advances toward her. She pushes his hand away. The husband asked "whats wrong", "nothing" she said. He tried again and got the same reaction. He said "something has to be wrong, why are you giving me the cold shoulder".  
She replied, "What do expect me to do?  fire up this big-ass grill for one little weene?