As you pointed out, being a dom is work - you are responsible for your partner's physical safety, limits, etc.  Ultimately, you are responsible for the "success" of the scene however you would like to measure it.   As a CEO you are responsible for your employees and getting the best performance out of them that you can.

As a CEO, you would measure success as profit (easy); as a dom, your performance metric is tougher to gage...

So yes - you are "in charge" (authority) - but you are responsible as well...  

Another way to look at it is whether the employees in a company ultimately hold the power.  I would argue that they do.  Try running a company without good staff and you'll see what I mean.  

 

 

-- Modified on 7/13/2015 6:41:12 AM

The sub needs to trust you completely.  The sub has limits, but just beyond this limits is an area if fascination and excitement mixed with a bit if fear,  The comes a point when the sub has given you complete control, she/he is afraid, begs and pleads and kisses your hands and feet and is afraid, but she/he will never be taken too far.  If you do not take your sub a little further than expected, she/he will get bored after a while.
So you are in control the way a surgeon is in control of a patient during surgery, but in her/his heart the sub knows you will never go too far and you will end up comforting and cuddling her/him when he session is over.

I remember one session with a real pain slut (so much so that I simply could not fully satisfy her and we stopped seeing each other.) But despite her longing for pain, she stopped me when I had just begun, because one of the straps that held her was not quite right and was pinching her in a way she did not like.  She was after a few sessions  disappointed because I would not use long and thick needles and severe clamps that drew blood, but the strap was wrong.  Of course in the end she was in control. I would never have said: take the strap the way it is!

they want something from.

Thus, the Zen motto:  The best way to have what you want is to want what you have

I identify as a switch, and quite frankly, power dynamics in healthy bdsm relationships are all about give and take, equanimity, and respect.  For instance, as a dominant, i seriously dislike bratty behavior.  If my submissive wants something from me that i'm not doing, all they need to do is ask.  Each party is ultimately responsible for the other party's pleasure and safety, as well as their own.  

Personally, I've never seen it as a "power exchange", since no one ever truly loses their own volition (at least they shouldn't, but that's a whole other topic of conversation). If someone is fully giving their power to you though, you need to be able to respect that and hopefully know your partner well enough to know when they're in danger and when they're not.  

it's quite a nuanced, thing.

I can't imagine myself bottoming for a stranger. I have a strong intimate relationship with my female Dom partner built up over 18 months of intense experiences. I find myself entering a relaxed, meditative space in which I leave all cares behind, trusting my Partner to inflict pain, but not over my line. We work as an artistic team, moving towards becoming one in the process. Power dynamics analysis assumes the two of us keep our separate identities. That is not the aim of play in our case.

I think there's some relativity going on -- to a significant extent, power lies with whoever thinks they have it.  Domination sessions are transactional, either part can choose to walk away, as the sub you can go spend your $ elsewhere, and the domme can choose to use her time to see other subs instead.  Her losing a single sub isn't going to break her business, so it's not like you have some huge power over her as one client. The more important question, to me, is: as the sub, during the session itself, am I truly submitting?

I have once transitioned my relationship with a professional from session-slave to personal slave, and once we did that, the dynamics completely changed -- our interactions became ALL about her, and it's been an amazing experience.  I think you have to experience this before you know for sure whether you like the more bounded power exchange of sessions or can really devote yourself to her.  

edit: obviously, was using the generic "you" above, I realize you're coming from a dom perspective, OP

-- Modified on 7/31/2015 7:54:38 AM

END OF MESSAGE

I hadn't really thought of the dynamic until now. I think it's more...something ingrained.

First of all, I think most of domination and submission is psychological. There is a big difference between being a submissive and being a masochist. Or being a pain slut. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I find it hugely more erotic to focus on the big head. I think of it as elegant. Elegant in that its refined and there is some dignity and it's beyond exciting. When it plays out correctly.

As girls, and I don't know if this is something unique to my family, or the South, or just old ways, we were reared with certain manners and customs. We were taught certain things about interacting with boys and men...oh so many. We were taught this from as early as I can remember. That is why it is ingrained. It's not that I'm not strong and independent. I know I am. But my mom taught me how to play the game.

When you go on a date, she said, act as if you don't even know HOW to open a door. If he doesn't get it, just wait quietly by the car door. He will come over and open it for you.

Do you know what that is? That is allowing the male to be dominant. When a man opens a door for you, or pulls a chair out for you, or waves your car through a four-way stop, he's not just being polite. He's telling you what to do. And by graciously and wordlessly...and thankfully...following his direction, you are allowing him to have control. You are allowing him to be the man.

But you are controlling it. I can open my own doors. I have physical (and emotional) strength that many don't have. He may not know it, and you innately know it, and you ALLOW it to happen because...because we like it Because it calls to some very primitive part of us that responds to the Alpha.

Being dominant in a way, it's a form of weakness...and I say that without judgment. I had a boyfriend for years who NEEDED to be the one to drive. I can drive or let him drive, and be okay with it. So who is the stronger?  He was dominant without even knowing it, but I knew it. If he playfully spanked me, I could tell he really liked it. He gave my order to the waiter, I kept my eyes on him. You know, it was like that. I could make a list as long as my arm. I don't think in a million years he would have suspected what I was doing, what I had been taught to do, and how gratifying it was to me to please him. I think he had no idea how gratifying it was to me when he was the man. And the sex was amazing.

And conversely, when he observed me in a position of power, for example, in my work life, he had a very hard time dealing with it. He needed to feel on top. He would become angry, withdraw. And probably impotent, even, who can say? I got punished in subtle and not so subtle ways.  It was only when I resumed the role he liked that he felt drawn to me again. But that was his weakness, not mine. Never would I have done the same to him. I didn't feel the need to. But I was strong enough to be what he wanted. Maybe not strong enough to walk away. That took years.  

There are rules...but they are unspoken. I recognize the vulnerability in the man, and I would never, never betray that, or emasculate him, as other women may have done, as I see other women do, in so many subtle and unkind ways. It is my job as a provider to let him be the man.

Southern women are taught that their husbands are their religion. But we also know who holds the real power. Even gods need someone to worship them. Maybe that comes into it.

So that is why I say submissives wield the power and if we are smart, we never let them know it.

I think you see this elegant submission played out in a funny -- but very real! -- way between Morticia and Gomez. Can there be any question who is truly enslaved in this relationship?

Power ebbs and flows from one person to another, in my experience. It is energy, so cannot be still. In one instant, in one special meaning, the D may wield the power, but she cannot hold it indefinitely. In the next instant, in a totally different way, the s will exercise the power.  
I like your term "elegant submission". As a male sub to a FemDomme, I look for grace, elegance and strength within me in every situation, no matter how taxing the physical sensations. Power is a surface thing and it flows and goes from D to s in a natural way, then back again. What really counts for me is connection, non-verbal, rich and full of meaning, between s and D during each and every scene. It deepens our relationship so much, and adds fabulously to our already off-the-charts hot sex.
Great writing, Duchess!

Thank you so much!!