I've always been interested in BDSM, watching porn and pics and such.  However, I'm more interested in the D&S\bondage\kink\sensual side of it.  I've never hired a pro domme before, but thought about it.

What I cannot get past is that most of the BDSM seems to be about pain, pushing limits and humiliation.  Three things I have NO interest in.  The reason why I've never hired a dom is because I figure that once I'm bound, all bets are off.  She will get bored with what I'm interested in and hit me, cut me, brand me, or something.  I've never had anyone tell me WHY that would not happen.  Once I'm bound, I can't stop it.  Sure, there's safe words, but who's to say someone will respect that?  I know the answers, "I'm reputable." or "Check out my reviews."  I consider those non-answers - past behavior indicating future behavior doesn't answer the question.  My question is, "What is stopping you?"

For example, have yourself bound with very flimsy and easily breakable ties, like yarn so that if you do suddenly start to freak out, you know that you can always free yourself.

I'm willing to bet that knowing this will let you relax and enjoy yourself.  Over time as your capacity to trust grows, you can move into more traditional BD/SM stuff up to your natural desire for same.

I'm also willing to bet that the dom will not be bored as long as she senses your interest in whatever type of activity you are partaking in, at least if she is a good provider.

(Disclaimer - I speak only for myself, not for the other pros on this board, but I am sure the sentiments are the same around the world )


While I am a lifestyle switch, and play with many, many things in my private life, as a pro Domme, I really am just a service Top, here to provide you with the experience you request. If someone contacts me for a session, I will make sure I know just what they are expecting, make clear to them that I cannot guarantee what we do will be exactly what they want, but I will not give them a bad experience...I don't promise what I cannot deliver, and I don't randomly do what I feel like doing unless I know it is within my toy's limits. This is particularly true in my Disciplinarian role...my spankos are very good at creating the type of scene they want in their minds, and I bring that scene to life for them. To do anything else would be doing myself, my craft and my profession a great disservice. If someone approaches me with a desire that I am not interested in, I decline and in many cases will refer them to another Domme who I know will be interested in their request.

If you are interested in bondage/sensual domination, etc. look specifically for a Domme that offers that, don't be afraid to admit you are new and nervous and have a conversation about what you want and what you expect. Many of us love newbies and bringing them to the dark side, LOL! and are happy to go as slowly and carefully as you need to make you comfortable...we all want you to come back !!

I've been participating in this now for several years and I can tell you unequivocally that if you see the right person, she will respect your limits, but she will also have a sense of what you are afraid to say, but want.  I am not into humiliation at all.  I see doms that are not into it either.  They will respect your pain and marks limits very carefully.

I have some tips.  Doms tend to write long bios of a reason.  They want to make their personality and their preferences clear. They want to be a match for you.  Take the time to read them and carefully study the sessions lists.  Then, call a Dom and say that you've never done it before, you're nervous, you have some proclivities that you would like to pursue.  You're going to be surprised how conversant they are.

Part of the interest in BDSM for me is the freedom of being bound.  When you are with someone you trust completely, but fear a little, it can be a very powerful experience.

What stops me?  I have interests only in consensual acts.

What should give everyone pause:  The law, naturally, which does not take kindly to nonconsensual acts - especially if the alleged "victim" is bound.  Of course, the law will not be able to erase the memory of a bad encounter.  And no one wants to be the victim of real violence.

The professional bdsm/kinksters which I know are well balanced, nice women who enjoy topping - not assault and battery.

Unfortunately, this is not a guarantee that you will not encounter some psychotic who is masquerading as a professional - but this remains the case in the vanilla and civilian section of encounters as well.  I would posture that you are best served by an independent with her own CLEAN*, private, equipped, dedicated play space.  Once one decides to invest in such an expensive endeavor, she is more likely to care about what transpires there.  This is NOT a dismissal of those who work at commercial establishments - there are a few fine, upstanding women who take pride in their craft and choose to remain dependent upon the "house" for the sake of convenience and the absence of overhead costs (of course, even in a house a real domina will have her own equipment and wardrobe, so her cost is still rather high in comparison to other adult pursuits).  First and foremost, choose an experienced domina - even if you call a house, ask who will best match your kink/limits.  A reputable telephone/manager will take the time to explain this to you.

A suggestion: if bondage is important, try asking for shibari even if you end up wanting simple shackles (a mistake, in my estimation as good shibari is like meditation for the one who is bound) - those who specialize in this often have a keen and gentle approach to play as the predicament and aesthetics are enough of a turn on without the need for pain as a means of focussing the libido.

If pain or humiliation is a prerequisite for a given domina, it is best you in particular seek someone else.  There are plenty out there who want only this -  she is better off playing with them and you are better off finding another rather than attempting to sketch out a scene which doesn't interest her.

Now, that being said - there are very attractive women who work independently in NYC and a few who specialize in novices.  Some refuse novices outright on their sites.  As the poster above implied, there is a reason for the lengthy bios in bdsm.

*If she is unable to keep her space clean and organized, she might be unable to keep you safe.  Not a hard and fast rule, but a real warning sign.

"What I cannot get past is that most of the BDSM seems to be about pain, pushing limits and humiliation."

I'm not sure what you want. Maybe just a normal escort who will bring out toy handcuffs.

No reputable provider is going to do anything you didn't sign up for.

The reason that Dom(mes) often advertise that they want to "Push Your Limits" and "Test Your Boundaries" is because THEY DO.  Think of a Dom(me) as an athletic coach.  Would you really want a coach who was satisfied to see you do {insert athletic activity} at {insert performance level} without ever actually trying to be faster, score more points, endure longer, etc.?  I would hope not!  The Dom(me) is there to try to get you up to a certain peak performance and then, IF YOU ARE WILLING AND ABLE TO DO SO, see if you can surprise yourself by going a little bit further.  Not a lot further.  A little bit further.  And, over time, you'll see that these gradual increases DID amount to you going quite a bit further than what you originally thought you were capable of doing.

Conversely, most bottoms/submissives who play with Tops/Dom(mes) over time WANT to try to push their boundaries a little bit.  There's an incredible endorphin high that you receive as a bottom/submissive, and pushing boundaries tends to increase that high.

Imagine the ad that actually read: "I have no interest in pushing your limits or testing your boundaries, and I want to make sure that you never grow as a person or player."  Would YOU go to that Domme?  I wouldn't!

Finally, if you DO actually ever see an Dom(me) use the phrase "I am going to do whatever I want to, regardless of your wishes," please: (a) never play with a person who talks like that; and (b) send me the link, and I'll do my best to get them shunned from the BDSM community for violating our codes of ethical behavior (especially "safe, sane and consensual" play).

If you reached the end of this rant, I thank you for reading all the way to the bottom.  I have the feeling that this is going to become a FAQ for other posts in the future, which is why I went into this level of detail.

Best,

LeChiffre

Further to that last post, it's perfectly okay to be into the outfits and non-pain play (like tickling, foot worship, etc.).

you want it too. The things you're most afraid of?

Fun Adult Play!

If we are open & honest, then I will not do anything that you do not want me to, so why would you be scared?

I truly appreciate all of the input.  It has given me some valuable insight in to this area, and I genuinely thank you all.

The reason why I feel the way I do is that the pros' websites I've seen, and reviews I've read, seem to involve things that are, as Jolene put, distasteful.  Violent beatings: punching in the stomach, kicking in the ribs to leave bruises, punching someone in the nose so hard it cracks leave them with blood gushing down their face, caning until it draws blood, repeated punches and kicks to the groin, branding with heated wire hangars, using a knife to carve the dom's name into someone's back.  All these things lead to permanent injury and disfigurement that I personally find abhorrent.

While if someone consents to all that, that is their own business.  My concern is that the same doms that do all that say that they welcome newbies and are able\willing to provide a sensual session that I would like.  I just have a hard time reconciling that a dom that would be willing to do the above to another human being would be capable of dialing it down enough NOT to do those things to someone who doesn't want them.

I read over and over again that doms want to, "Push your limits."  & "Test your boundaries."  I read those two phrases as "I'm going to do whatever I want to regardless of your wishes."  A sensual session will turn into a violent one because the dom wants to "push my limits and test my boundaries."

Time to drop knowledge . . .  Sorry this is going to be a long one, but you have so many misconceptions that I want to clear up . .

Imagine this: You are a young teen girl.  You've not yet had your sex ed class at school or "the talk" from your parents.  You've somehow never seen or read about human reproduction in literature, in the movies or on the internet.  Then, one day, a girlfriend hands you a DVD, and your very first exposure to sex was seeing a gang-bang orgy where a woman has every hole filled by a cock, while a group of men masturbate around her.  You'd be (like) . . .  "HOLY SHIT!!!"  And probably never want to have sex ever.

Unfortunately, I think you've been exposed to some of the more extreme things out there, and it's clouded your common sense.

What you've seen is Edge Play, which is sort of the "extreme sports" of BDSM.  Not everyone does it.  In fact, most players DON'T engage in Edge Play.  

Edge Play is a ** specifically pre-negotiated ** type of play that tends to bee a little more, well, edgy.  Some examples might be fire play, knife play (including cutting), branding, medical scenes with play piercing, etc.  This type of play is NOT for everybody, and there are plenty of people who enjoy those scenes, and plenty who don't want anything to do those kinds of scenes, and neither one is right or wrong.  It's just a personal preference thing, and I'd like to ask that you be more open-minded in realizing not everyone shares your same kinks, just as they might not share yours.  Should you go down this "rabbit hole" of experiencing BDSM firsthand, you might even find that things that horrify and scare you now, are of intense sexual interest to you later.  (Usually, this is about trust and confronting fears.)  My own example: Due to some medical trauma at the hands of doctors who couldn't figure out how to properly do a spinal tap and subject me to that over a dozen times while trying, I myself had always been skittish about play piercing, but, at the encouragement of trusted friends, I finally tried it (both giving and receiving) about a month ago, and enjoyed it.

This should go without saying, but not everything you see in BDSM videos is an accurate depiction of how scenes go when play actually occurs, the same way that porn videos are not an accurate depiction of how most people have sex without a camera crew in the room.  For instance, ever notice that most BDSM mysteriously edit out the process of tying up the slave?  That's because the adult actor topping probably doesn't know the first thing about rope, and they cut so that an off-screen rigger (rope expert) can do all of the ties -- SAFELY!

(see PART II to follow)

(continued . . .)

When you do any form of impact play, be it spanking, slapping, punching, kicking, paddling, floggers, caning, single-tail, etc., there will be a certain amount of marking.  Don't freak out.  The marks will go away over the next few days.  Very few things lead to permanent injury.  (In all of my years of playing, I just have one permanent nick, and that was from someone "wrapping" a dragons tongue over my shoulder and hitting my collarbone, which is a "no go" zone and was a mistake by my plate partner.)  Usually, it's just kind of like a overall redness like a sunburn, maybe light bruising, but if you play a little harder, there might be some little tell-tail signs on your back or butt that are kind of like "road rash" from a bicycle accident.  A little skin care product will help that go away faster.  It also might hurt just a little bit when you go to sit down the next day or two, thinking of the fun you had (i.e., a souvenir!).   This might be a problem if you are sneaking around on your wife, which is why many of us encourage open communication with spouses.  If they are not willing to join you in realizing your sexual fantasies in this area, then you can perhaps negotiate an arrangement where you can do BDSM play with a partner where no sex is involved, or whatever scenario works.

Yes, a Domme can do their best to try to play with no marks of any kind if you request that, but you're really tying their hands when you ask for that . . .  and Dommes prefer to be the ones doing the hand-tying, thank you!  You'll have a scene, but it won't be nearly as much fun as it could be (i.e., you probably won't experience the endorphin rush).  Yes, it is not nearly as much fun for the Domme to "dial it down", but that's what professionals DO.  You are the customer.  As Burger King says, "Have it your way."  That's why many Dommes are also "lifestyle" players, so that they can leave work and play a little bit harder or do the other types of play that they enjoy, and perhaps their more timid/newbie/wussy clients are afraid to try.  So, in other words, they'll play harder with people who enjoy playing harder, but they'll respect your boundaries.

Also, another important point . . .  The best Dom(mes)/Tops were often once submissives/bottoms themselves, and any ETHICAL Dom(me)/Top -- which is most of them -- will never do to you something that they themselves haven't experienced receiving.  For instance, before a Domme, she'll likely "top herself" by testing the temperature of the wax on her own arm before a single drop of hot wax lands on you.

(see PART III to follow . . .)

(continued . . .)

Back to Edge Play . . .   Edge Play, again, is specifically pre-negotiated, and no Dom(me) in their right mind is going to jump into Edge Play with a newbie.  Just make it very clear to the person you are playing with that you are inexperienced and want to "start slow" with "sensual play", and are not interested (at this time) in any Edge Play.  (It wouldn't be offered to a newbie, anyway, but if it makes you feel better, say it aloud.)  As covered in previous posts, you should ONLY play with someone who negotiates thoroughly with you beforehand, asking about your physical and mental health, the types of play that interest you, whether or not you want marks, "safe words" to stop the scene, etc.  So, you essentially have NO DANGER of a ** legitimate ** player crossing those boundaries, and you can use your "safe word" to stop or pause the scene if they do.

In terms of what you describe as violent beatings, I have no idea what sites you are looking at -- sounds more like snuff films! -- but most legitimate pro Dom(mes) understand very well the "no go" zones on the human body where you can potentially cause internal damage (i.e., kidney area), and I've never heard of someone having their nose purposefully broken in a scene.  Yes, you are correct that caning will draw blood, but the submissive/bottom is patched up with antibiotics and bandages as soon as the scene is over, and usually "as good as new" a week later.  You likely don't see that part on the video, do you?  There are types of play involving punching and kicking, but if you watch very carefully, you'll see that the punching is typically "pulled", so it sounds worse than it is.  (Don't get me wrong, you're still being punched, but not without the follow-through that a MMA athlete would use to really inflict damage.)  Yes, I suppose impact play on certain body areas like the cheek could potentially draw blood, but that likely looks worse than it feels.

You mention using a knife to carve the Dom(me)'s name into someone's back.  That is not something done unless the pair have a relationship almost equivalent to a marriage, known as a "collaring ceremony".  Any sort of permanent marking like that is discussed well in advance, and is really no different that tattooing a lover's name on your skin.  It's called scarification (from the word "scar"), and it generally in the context of a loving, committed D/s relationship, where the submissive loves her/his Dom(me) that he/she wasn't to give this "gift" to Her/Him.  This was a big trend that Fakir Musafar made popular with going around the world and experimenting with different tribal rituals, and then bringing those traditions back to urban settings.  (Ever notice all of the hoop-style earrings lately, with a larger hole in the ear?)

(see PART IV to follow . . .)

I haven't actually played in this arena yet, but am planning to. You reply was very informative. Thank you.

As I keep hearing, it's all supposed to be about respecting limits not pushing them right?  What I'm getting at is, I've heard several times that once I get comfortable with one aspect, pretty soon I'll get into edge play. Well, that won't happen. If I have no interest in pain or blood, I should not be pushed toward it.  I keep hearing "give the pain a chance and you'll love it". I don't want to, and will never want to. I accept others kinks, why can't people accept my disinterest in pain?

although my ad makes me sound positively insane.....I am far from it....I am a very well versed top....any top who knows what they are doing is going to have a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg conversation with you to find out EXACTLY what is on the table and what is not.....

Whatever is on the table is what is explored with our clients....such as....if a client states he is addicted to DATY.....in some cases it is a fetish and my brain gets to ticking.....I will explore via questions:


would you like to spend the entire 90 minutes down there?

would you like to learn what body worship is?

would you like to learn how to perform tease and denial on a lady?

would you like to hire another lady and be denied while I perform daty on her? perhaps we should tie you up and sit you very close to us while we both tease you with our naughty parts?

would you like to only be allowed to perform daty while I am doing something else...ie talking on the phone, doing my hair, eating...ect?

would you like to have an intense perhaps rough face sitting session?

do you want me to talk very dirty to you while you are doing your thing down there?

would you like me to play with myself put my juice on your mustach and go to dinner while you smell my juices for hours?


So it depends on what you want to do during YOUR session..........its your MONEY you can do or not do whatever you are comfortable with.