Good Morning Ladies,

I have been following the post here in the BDSM section for a while now, and thought that sharing a few thoughts pre-session from a sub's viewpoint might be helpful.  Honestly, the post by Courtney Sparks regarding preparation for a session prompted me to write this post.  It is just some basic thoughts, and not intended to serve as a guide in any way.

1.  For a submissive looking for his first appointment involving Fetish Activities, most of us have no idea what we are doing.  Courtney's post was very informative regarding preparation for strap on play.  But now what?  For many of us - we have in our mind how we want to be broken in (introduced) to fetish play, but don't really know how to convey our thoughts into a meaningful pre-session conversation with a potential provider.  Perhaps the following may be helpful to some.

Role Playing - a great way to introduce someone to fetish play.  Ladies, I think it would be very helpful if you would help with suggestions in this area.  As an example, if you are approached by a gentleman who wants an introduction, and is considerable younger than yourself - perhaps you can suggest a role play scene that matches your personality and age to his.  For the younger college guy, being seduced then dominated by the older teacher might fit right into both personalities.  If the gentleman is older - perhaps being dominated by a younger female boss.  There are many possibilities - and it is helpful for us new to this to receive some guidance / suggestions from the ladies of what would work better.

It is not all about us (meaning the customer) - the fact that we are considering submitting to you should mean that we want you to be happy, to be satisfied.  So ladies, don't be afraid to suggest to us your thoughts.  If you suggest a role play scene, don't be afraid to also suggest a time frame to make it work.  Sometimes a one hour or one and a half hours simply is not enough.  If you feel more comfortable with a three or four hour appointment - please suggest it.  If a longer appointment will add something - perhaps suggesting that dinner might be a nice way to discuss things before the appointment.  That would assist the gentleman in making arrangements for a place with a first class restaurant downstairs.

Suggest props other than toys - If you enjoy bondage, perhaps suggesting that if possible a bed with post would add to the role play.  If you prefer a suite as opposed to a standard room - please suggest it.  I know the list is endless - but I think you understand what I am suggesting.  Your comfort and enjoyment of the session is important.  (but like you we cannot read minds).

Please let the gentleman know your personality style and taste, so that he can move on if you are not a good fit for him.  If you tend to be sensual - but become animalistic once you are turned on - please at least hint at that.  Do you prefer steel cuffs, or leather - or something else?  Each one creates a different feel to a novice, and the mental preparation is as important as the physical preparation involved in fetish appointments.  Remember - you know what to expect - many of us are left to guess.  If you have a special friend you want to include in the appointment - it is ok to suggest it, but you should provide some information about her, not just that she is cute, or "you will like her".  For a fetish session, liking her is not enough - we need to be able to trust her as we are trusting you.  After all, you literally will be owning our ass.

My apologies for the long post.  Hopefully, some of the gentleman who are considering mixing some GFE appointments with Fetish Play will also share their thoughts.  And, by doing so that will be helpful to the ladies.

Last but not least - Ladies, most of us interested in this are not poor - if extra cost is involved in some of the added services - some of you just need to hint.  After all, tipping is allowed isn't it?

I think that this post by CajunGent and the earlier one by Courtney Sparks have been excellent and I would like to elaborate a little on CajunGent’s post.

While I can’t speak for every sub, many of us do really enjoy pleasing our mistress in a scene/play (e.g. the props, toys, venue, role play) that she likes. We want to “submit” in a real sense and we feed off of our mistress’ energy, excitement and stimulation. For many of us the desire to please our mistress outweighs the desire to play out a particular scene. As CajunGent says, we want you to be happy and satisfied. I can feel my mistress’ energy when she is truly enjoying the play as compared to conducting a scene that I thought I wanted. In fact, the most exciting mistress is one who knows what she wants and is willing to bring that desire to the scene.  

I know that that many subs have particular scenes that they want to play out  (“topping from the bottom”) and that the sub is a “customer.” My observations do not apply to this category of subs.  

So, ladies, don’t be afraid to try to determine the category into which your sub falls.   You may be pleasantly surprised that your sub wants to please you more than playing out a particular scene

Thanks for posting this, @Cajun_Gent, and for the reply, @playingbmn

I think that's it's very helpful for both parties to be as clear as possible about their desires and expectations. Personally I find it helpful for fetish clients to clarify whether they are seeking bottoming, submission, roleplay, and/or some other dynamic. The more information a client can provide about what kind of experience they're looking for, the easier it is for both parties to craft a scene together. Any meeting is truly a collaboration between two (or more) people's erotic imaginations.  

It can be difficult at times you can't discuss explicit details, but perhaps these terms will help:  

- A bottom is the partner who is receiving sensation in a scene. A top is the one dishing it out. For example, a top might fuck a bottom with a strap-on, because that's what the bottom desires.  

- A submissive is the partner who gives up their *willpower* in a scene. If you want the scene to be focused on Her erotic desires at the expense of your own, you're probably asking to submit.  

Cheers,
Ms. Courtney

In my experience, there's always particular subject matter that appeals to those diving into kink and fetish play.  When someone seems stumped, I often ask them what kind of porn they watch, or what types of fantasies they think about while getting off on their own.  Those are gateways that often get people talking about their wants, what turns them on, and specific triggers that will make the experience more fulfilling.  

I also ask what topics are on someone's "must-have" list.  For me personally, I enjoy a lot.  I explicitly list my likes and hard limits on my site, so my part of the equation is already filled in.  In order to create a scene that's going to be fulfilling for both of us, I need to know your portion.  You can't simply say "I'm into everything", because undoubtedly, you're not. Everyone has limits.  My likes range from the common to the extreme, and I know that other ladies have ranges like mine.  The extreme things are my favorites, and undoubtedly someone with little experience would not want me to play that hard with them.  That's why communication is key.  I can't give you the experience you're looking for when I don't know what that experience consists of for you.

As Courtney described above, there are differences between submission and bottoming.  Submission is about relinquishing your will for a period of time in order to please someone else.  Bottoming is more about being the recipient of an act that you've specifically asked for.  A lot of times submitting and bottoming overlap, and that's more likely to create a more pleasant experience.  

Also, think about it this way.  If the session were truly about pleasing me and my whim at the time of the appointment, I might be most pleased by having a foot massage and my mini-blinds dusted.  What a lot of guys are looking for is that we are pleased with how they take what they want us to give them.  For instance, pegging and strap-on play are a lot of fun for me, but some days it's not number one at the top of my wants list.  So if i were prioritizing my wants above the wants of my client/bottom, as you suggested, Id be pretty horrible at my job. What I think most bottoms/submissives are looking for is for their top/domme to be satisfied with the bottom's performance or receiving of said act in question.  And that's great! I love when men can take a pounding from me, and I tell them so.  But my desire to pound your ass for extended periods of time might not beat out my longing for a massage because my back is sore.  

Because my job is in fantasy fulfillment, my sore back isn't your business unless it's truly a part of your fantasy. And being able to really tap into each other's wants and needs as top/bottom or domme/sub often takes time.  In my opinion, the most fulfilling sessions are with those that I'm comfortable around and have rapport with.  Developing a professional relationship with your fetish-oriented provider is going to make for fantastic sessions in the future if you have the right chemistry. :

Really great advice, super helpful in ensuring a great session for everyone involved.  Thanks!

This discussion has really helped understand how to make desires known.  It is often hard to distiguish between expressing specific desires and "topping from the bottom" which is not something most want to do.  In fact one of the primary things a sub is looking for in a session is to experience the creativity of a great mistress, but as you so accurately describe its important to provide enough desires to have that creativity channeled in the right areas.

I like to have a brief discussion outside of Dominant/submissive role before the scene begins to decide on mutually acceptable activities. "I just want to please you" is someone already imposing their submissive fantasy on you. You're right, it's not fair for a client to assume that you can read their mind. But it's up to you as a provider to set the limits on when and how the fantasy role-play begins.  

The way I try to avoid this problem is to negotiate what legal BDSM activities your submissive might be interested in - that you offer - before going into role. That way you can read that "whatever you want" as "whatever you want based on the activities on your menu as a provider in Dominant role, that we've agreed on beforehand".  

A really comprehensive checklist (make your own shorter version based on your menu):
http://brian618.whyayh.com/mirror/bdsmlearningcenter/basics/play_partner_check_list.html

Hope this is helpful

I always have discussions like this with my clients before assuming any sort of dominant/submissive roles.  I need to know what they want and what they expect.  I expect that those that see me have sexual volition and autonomy; they should be able to express their wants and needs to me on their own.  If they can't quite get there, I'm more than happy to guide them in ways that I discussed in my above post.  

The thing of it is, the list of what I enjoy participating in is extensive, and time is limited.  If someone tells me "do whatever you're interested in thats on your menu" that often still leads to a lot of guesswork on my part.  While I'm quite intuitive, I still need to know what my client is looking for during a session; what their end-goal is, per se.  

It's all communication and give and take.  In all reality, I'm far more service-oriented as a top/domme anyway.  It works well for me because I enjoy being able to make specific fantasies come true.

I do appreciate you sharing your experience and advice to all of us on the board.

I know what works for me; hopefully it can work for others.

Not sure I get your head trip here.  You say you know the guy is looking to submit to the illusion of his fantasy Mistress doing whatever she (really he) wants so now that you figured that out why not just go with it?

You could just tell him what you really like is when a sub tells her about the absolute worse things Mistresses have done to him in the past because it really turns you on to hear it.

And you know he's then going to tell you what he likes and then you can tell him that sounds like fun and I think I'll do the same thing.

Everybody makes simple things so complicated. -- Modified on 10/28/2014 7:04:35 PM

Already expressed most of what I said here up above but probably was drunk.

-- Modified on 10/31/2014 8:11:29 PM

Try this - one of the Mistresses from years ago was famous for it. "Okay, I'm going to do anything I want to do but before I start I'm going to let you tell me just one thing you don't want me to do."

And then do that.

This is a helpful discussion...I really implore that when searching for a dom/sub relationship or experience there must be a conversation to exploration prior to the first meeting that will continue into that meeting.  I enjoyed your suggestions.  Honestly, there are times doing what you suggests "scares" away the potential client/hobbyist.  I am usually ok with that quite frankly as I do not want a stranger than expected experience. I am relatively new at the dominant side of this in within this forum...I have explored the bottom role thoroughly and in it gained an insight to submissive needs that get missed by providers that are solely dominant whether they are male or female.  I do agree that being direct about expectations and boundaries are essential.  Thank you for initiating this thread.