First thing I would like to say is I have not ever done any BDSM play in my life. I have always been fascinated by the scene though.

In my sexual play I have always been on the way conservative side, not so much as anal sex. Past sexual trauma (rape) has left me nervous and fearful about exploring my kinkier side. Other then my wife there has not been anyone I have trusted enough to explore.

Now my wife on the other hand hand has been there done that on almost every fetish out there. When she played in the BDSM scene she said she was a switch. She in the past has asked to engage in such play in ether role.  

Though I am still some what hesitant to do so for fear that if I open BDSM style of play it would hard to close it off in my marriage. I know she would respect my wishes but would likely not be happy going back to the less adventurous style of play we now have. She has never pressured me and has been understanding.

I have decided I am willing to try it, as I know my wife enjoys such play. I want to make her happy, and I have always enjoyed BDSM porn. I have always been curious about such play, especially bondage.

How does one know what role would be a better fit like as a top/bottom? Both roles make me a bit nervous for different reasons.How does one go about setting up the rules when you have no idea what you would enjoy?

What is the best way to start after you found your partner? What would I need to get started as far as equipment? What is a good site to get "how to" and safety information on this stuff? I want to keep thing safe but fun.

I would like to thank you in advance for your replies. If you need more information please ask.

I am hoping to offer her this as a surprise thing for her birthday. I have arranged for plenty of alone time so we can work it out and have plenty of play time the day before her birthday. Her birthday is in about a month.

I applaud and appreciate your open-mindedness, especially in light of your past traumatic event.

The single best way, in my opinion, is to find one of the local "lifestyle" BDSM clubs in your city.  They'll have instructional classes, munches (which are informal get-togethers over lunch or dinner) and play parties.  Instructional classes are important because "We don't want to damage our toys, or we don't get to play with them in the future."  Actually, BDSM and magic are not too different.  Both are like performing a trick, and you just need to learn how to safely perform the trick without getting injured before you start doing it on stage.

Most people in the scene start as either a Top/Dominant or bottom/submissive, but some change roles over time.  The best Tops/Dominants were usually bottoms/submissives first, because they understand that head space.  

Just to explain the difference, Dominant/submissive is usually used when there is a true D/s relationship.  Top/bottom means that, for the next __ minutes, you'll play in those roles, but it's not how you define yourselves.  There are also fetishists, who enjoy the dress-up, and might periodically play, but aren't into pain.

Speaking of which, it's not often discussed, but there is such a thing as "pain free players".  They do things like tie one another up, maybe add a blindfold, and play with things like feathers/tickling, ice cubes, etc., sort of like that Mickey Rourke-Kim Basinger movie.  Maybe that's a good way to start.

Most couples who attend play parties often go just to watch the first time, and that's not a bad course of action.  Check out what sort of play excites you.  Over the years, I've found that things I was afraid of, were later things that I tried and really enjoyed.  (I just did play piercing for the first time a few weeks ago, which falls under the more extreme type of "edge play", and it was pretty awesome.)

In terms of your relationship, I know of plenty of couples who will go to play parties, kind of "split up" there and play with different people at the party, and then go home and fuck like bunny rabbits because they're both so turned on.  Since penetrative sex typically isn't allowed at most of the BDSM clubs -- rules vary by club and (sometimes) event -- you could let her dominate another woman or man while you watch, if that would be hot for you, and rest assured that your wife isn't going to be engaged in sexual activity.  And then maybe she would allow you to play with other people at the club as well, or perhaps do a tag team with another Dominant or submissive AND YOU all playing together.  It's all about what you can negotiate with the other people at the play party.

There are also a lot of professional dominatrixes who love to see couples and give them basic lessons.  

The single most important thing I can emphasize is to be upfront about your concerns during pre-scene negotiation and have safe word protocols in place so that you can stop or slow down the scene if it's getting too intense for you.

Finally, I highly recommend a subscription to KinkAcademy.com.  It's an online source for all sorts of instructional videos (in lieu of, or in addition to, the classes offered by local BDSM clubs) on just about any topic that would be of interest to you.  Less than $100 for a year's subscription, and worth every penny in terms of what you'll get out of it.

Good luck.  Feel free to post follow-up questions or PM me if you are shy.

this is a sure fire way to get to a point where you can trust the other person...to me trust is KEY in this game...also, make sure you and the other person agree on a safe word...it can be something as simple as the word orange lol...I have yet to come across a dominatrix that wants to cross someones boundaries...yes there can be pain involved but it still supposed to be on a level that you ultimately find to be enjoyable ;o) ahhhh I remember my bdsm days so fondly sometimes lol

Unfortunately, I can't find a BDSM club in my area or I would have started there. Thats OK, I am not keen one group pay in this area even though we enjoy an open marriage. I will join that website for more information. Thanks for the link.

I got some additional questions.

My wife is very experienced in this scene. When I met her she worked as an escort that offered BDSM as both a dominatrix and a slave. She also belonged to a local BDSM club and played as a switch in her personal life. When she has brought this up in the past she has offered to be ether a top or a bottom as she enjoyed both.

I on the other hand have never played ether top or bottom and both have their own appeal to me. The also both have parts that that scare me that has kept me from taking her up on the offers in the past. In my personal life I am nether dominating or submissive as a rule.

I do not have a strong preference in role as I have experienced nether and my wife enjoys both so which is better for a newbie to try first? How did you decide what role you have in this play?

My second question is what toys should I buy to start off with? I decided to experiment with this as a way of saying thanks to my wife and to show her how much I care. I know she used to enjoy this and gave it up as I was not ready at the time. So I am giving her this experiment as I said as kind of a birthday gift and have know idea about any of the equipment as It is all new to me.

If I decide to play the bottom I am not pain adverse. I have a very high tolerance to pain and doubt some mild to mid level pain will bother me. I don't think I would be comfortable infecting pain on my wife at this time though.

The thought of bondage has always excited me so that is an area that I hope to explore yet don't know what devices are safest and easiest to use.

If you was starting out fresh as a newbie what would you want? I am willing to spend up to two thousand dollars.

The third thing is what all should I cover in the pre-scene negotiation? I know about the safe word and the slow down and mercy rules but what else should be covered?

I plan on keeping it real light the first go around and I will spend time learning the basics from the site you shown me. My wife is experienced so she can kind of guide me but I want to make sure I have everything likely to come up covered. Thanks.

I trust my wife, who is the only partner I want to play with at this time with my life. She is the only one I trust enough to do this with. Still I do plan on starting light with maybe some light bondage and mild play. I don't even know yet if this is for me on any level. Thanks for the advise.

Why don't you start with something simple that doesn't involve a ton of money, like a spanking scene?  Either you spank her, or she spanks you.  If you like, do role play.  (Maybe rent the movie "SECRETARY" first to get an idea of how that might go.  You could do stern teacher disciplining a Catholic school girl if that gets you hot.)  Spanking is pretty difficult to screw up.  If you are the spanker, start by feeling around until you find your wife's tailbone once she's over your knee.  Do NOT spank the tailbone!  Imagine a horizontal line running along the tailbone area and stay South of that (below it).  Trust me, you still have plenty of real estate to work with.  You can also spank the meaty parts of the upper leg, inner thigh.

Here's what you do...  Start off with "warm up".  This is just kind of like a light massage, rubbing the area gently to get the blood flowing.  When you start spanking, you can either cup your hand (more noise, less pain) or have it flat (less noise, more pain).  I usually prefer the noise.  Start softly and don't spank the same area twice in quick succession, unless you want it to be painful.  Move your spanking around, like you are trying to "paint" the whole area.  As you start to see her bottom get redder, you'll be able to spank harder and harder.  Since you are rocking her pelvic area, it's entirely possible that she might orgasm from the spanking, so don't be surprised if that happens.

I discussed this in a thread below, but you should instruct her beforehand: "I will periodically say: 'Number?', and you are to give me a number on the pain scale, from 1 to 10, 1 being 'I can barely feel it' to 10 being 'this is unspeakable pain; stop the scene'."  You probably want to be in the 4 to 6 range your first time out.

Think of this as the story of boiling the frog -- the frog jumps out of the water if it's already boiling, but if you put the frog in cold water and slowly increase the temperature, the frog will stay in the pot until it's boiled.  Same thing.  Just be patient and slowly escalate it.  You can also start initially by spanking her through her panties, and then taking them off to go skin on skin.  

OR, you can do pretty much the same with a riding crop, just using the crop instead of your hand.  That'll maybe set you back $25.

If you want to incorporate tickling, that might be fun, too.  Ropes tough to learn, but your local sex shop might sell bondage tape.  This is a type of tape that sticks to itself, but not the skin.  If you tie her up, have her place the underside of her wrists together, preferably behind her back, with her hands holding the areas above each wrist, if that makes sense to you.  Then you can wrap the bondage tape around that a few times, and she'll likely have a hard time breaking free.

If you want to play slave, you could always start with a body worship scene.  

Here's a link that discusses negotiation.  Most people don't go into this much detail (although maybe they should), but generally you want to be aware of limitations (physical and mental) and establish a protocol for ending or slowing down the scene.  The stoplight system (red for stop, yellow for slow down) works for most.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negotiation_%28BDSM%29

When I started this, I asked questions. I asked lots and Lots and LOTS of questions. I peppered C for about six hours with questions. We took a break from the questions just long enough to have lunch and dinner (he, his SO and I cooked dinner together) and still I asked questions. He (and she) patiently answered each and every one of them.

On top of all the questions, I got to handle every piece of toy and equipment that they had. I went to the rooms in their house and saw all the stuff there. I learned about a subject I didn't even know existed before I met them. And still I asked questions.

It was only after I was comfortable with C and M that I allowed him to flog me. He was gentle at first and used the softest flogger he had (it was custom-made with elkhide) and he did it while I lay on a comfortable mattress in their bedroom (I refused to be tied up and that was perfectly okay with them). Then, as I got used to it, he changed to a little stiffer one. Every now and then he'd remind me to breathe and not tense up. By the time he'd finished, I had my first endorphin rush that I remember to this day.

No sexual play (that came after knowing them awhile). No tie. Nothing that would make me run away.

Just lots of questions and lots of answers.

My advice: Don't do a thing, don't buy a thing until you ask all the questions you can think of.

I know you want to surprise your wife, but first you need answers to this game so that you know how to play it. Ask your wife all the questions you have. I think the best surprise you can give her is to ask her about it - the second best will be allowing her to guide you into playing with her.

Ah, Crimsonlass, you are such the wise one in so many arenas. Do you intend to revert to bdsm on special occasions in the near future for worthy supplicants?

starting out.....i'm trying to remember starting out.

First of all i want to address your nerves.  The D/s dynamic lives in the world every day.   The D/s dynamic does not mean you must be engaging in bondage, discipline, sadism nor masochism.  It means you are engaging in Dominance and submission.  It means you have agreed that one person is leading and one person is following.

Ever hear this conversation?

"what do you want to do?"
"i don't know, what do you want to do?"
"i don't care, what do you feel like doing?"

That is two submissives talking.  No one is taking the lead.  The minute one person says

"We are going to dinner and a movie."

and the other person replies "Great."

You have a leader and a follower.

In the BDSM community, we simply put labels on actions, behaviors that are very natural.

You want to surprise your wife?  Try agreeing with her for 24 hours.  Want to truly surprise her, try not making her wrong about anything for a week.

Then take the next natural step, how can you be of service to her?  Does she like coffee/tea in the morning?  Make it for her, just the way she likes.  Does she cook and wash the dishes?  Wash the dishes for her.  Put her coat on her, when she needs one.  Run to the bathroom to take a towel and dry her off when she is done in the shower.


If you enjoy these things, you are a service submissive, if they grate on you, you are most likely at least a Top.

There is a world of the D/s dynamic to live every day without picking up one painful tool.

Spanking, flogging, caning?  why?

why do we do this?

Well, if you hate pain and a lot of sane people should, to take pain for a person would be like surrendering to fight dragons or overcome any obstacle to prove your love for a princess.  To submit to an action/behavior you don't like is submission.  Everything else is compliance.  Surrender is to want anything another person gives you.  There are levels to your well of submission.

If someone is taping on your body, eventually, your mind is going to shut up all the other conversations about the check book, your unhappiness, etc. and start concentrating on that tapping to your body.  You will wake up to being with the person tapping on your body and being with that tapping and the person tapping you and NOTHING else.  This is what i label "being" with another person.  When you are with your lover, don't you want them thinking about YOU?  Not feeding the dog or children?  Impact play forces you out of all those conversations in your head and into being with the person giving you impact play.

If your cock gets hard cropping someone, you are a sadist.  It's okay to enjoy engaging in safe, sane, consensual play giving pain to someone.  If your pussy gets wet while someone gives you a spanking, no matter how much the verbiage coming out of your mouth protests, you are a masochist.

See, engaging in BDSM is simply stepping into a new playground and giving yourself permission to discover more about you.  You may find you love being tied up, or you may hate it and want to vomit when someone ties you up.  You may love spanking, or find it something you endure to amuse someone.  You may love being peed on, the great aroma, the intimacy, the hot degradation or may find it so disgusting you can't believe you did that.  You aren't going to know until you explore.

and why aren't you exploring in this lifetime?

You got something to loose? Like pride, dignity, self-worth?  You might find playing that who you really are is very strong and there are no chinks in the amour of your spirit.  In the big picture, humanity is here to build new homes for cock roaches.  Life is not serious, it is an adventure.  Go play.

Then you shouldn't worry about your nerves.  You trust her.  Everyone has angst that mixes in to our feelings about play.  Even though i love a good caning by someone who knows how to give a good caning, i still have angst and nervousness before the scene/session.

In sharing your love for one another, there are always 7 ways we share love.

words (saying i love you)
time    (spending time with the person)
service (taking out the trash, painting the house)
gifts  (buying a gift)
sex (fucking)
touch (tactical touching, holding hands)
listening (truly listen to what they say)

Everyone needs all seven, usually we have one main need on our plate that we want from our partner.

So, when you say that you do things for each other, that makes sense.  That is a way you express love for a person.

A service submissive loves to give service, it floats their personal boat.  A service submissive would give service and not expect anything in return.  I'm not saying you are a service submissive.  i am saying it is a way a person can serve another, people do serve and don't label it as a D/s dynamic.

If what you want is to start with a Top/bottom dynamic, that means one person will be leading and one person will be following.

There is a buffet of kink, fetish, bondage, S & M awaiting you.

i would start with an agreed upon time limit and clear conversation.

Have fun.  Remember this is play, it is suppose to be fun.

Or more precisely in a scenario that if I am the bottom I will get a flash back of real bad situation I was in where I was powerless, of the rape. If I am the top of somehow hurting my wife not in a fun good way but actually hurting her. But the only way I see to end those fears is to just face them and do it.

BDSM is not a replacement or substitute for therapy.  If you have issues to work out, you need to go to a professional that is trained to work with you regarding that.

Having said that, while you play, yes, indeed something may come up emotionally, physically, that is a backlash of a bad experience.


That is why, when we play, we have a safeword to state you need to talk/need a break/need to communicate, and/or we communicate clearly

"i am having images flash thru my head of "xxx' experience and i'm feeling "xxx""

Your partner will then determine if you need to stop and process all of that, you will talk about what is going on with you, etc.

This is safe, sane, consensual play not abuse, neither physical nor emotional abuse.

We all have our skeletons in the closet.  They trot themselves out sometimes.  That would be true of any activity or anything you did, that brain machine may find a connection and there you are with 'bad" images flashing in your brain.  i wouldn't live in fear, i wouldn't let those images stop me from living my life.  If you do, that person that abused you has won, has robbed you of a degree of expressing yourself, of sharing your love and self with others.   That would be a shame.

~a

i agree.

I am just trying to reward my wife for sticking with me and supporting me. She stuck with me when most would not have. I know she enjoys this style of play so I am going to give it a try.

I am going to use a safe word that means we need to stop now, one that means time out, one to slow things down, and a mercy one to stop a certain activity on a certain part but allows us to keep on playing. I get that this is "safe, sane, consensual play not abuse." That is why I am willing to try it.

And your right if I stop living my life the rapists have won. Trust me I know this as I have allowed there act way too much power over me in the past.

Thanks for you replies they really made me think.

Hot!  Thanks for sharing!

1st off you need to ask yourself a few questions if you do not know if your a top/bottom.

What arouses you, so far from what you've been exposed to with BDSM?

What does your wife enjoy, and what do you two feel comfortable exploring together kinky fun?

If you 2 are interested in twins my better half Goddess Jezebel & I would love to be her Bday present!




LOL Smile 4 me just remember it's all about having fun!  Keep an open-mind, and just discuss fantasies because dirty talk can be very erotic!

Both excite me for very different reasons. I decided, I will let my wife pick or maybe try both see which excites me more.

The more I am learning the more excited I am becoming and the less fearful. I have got a hold a few floggers and a cane and tried the out on my hand, arms, and legs. They wasn't bad at all.

How do you explain away the marks left by the cane? I left a few marks on my arm and had a few people ask me about them. I just said I don't know and looked shocked. My wife even noticed them and said they looked like cane marks. I not ready for the reveal yet. I want this to be a surprise as she has asked me to do this more than once I am sure she will like it.

I trust my wife, and she has lots of experience with BDSM. She was really into it before she started to date me.

As to your offer, I don't think I have the trust needed to play and have fun with anyone but my wife at this time.

And don't worry I am planning to have fun. We will discuss everything before we do anything.