I have a great fear of being vulnerable and powerless. I built a business just so I could not be fired. I wanted no one to have that power of me. I diversified that business so the market has less power over me. I have avoided debt like the plague so The would have no power over me. I took marshal art courses so I could overpower those that would try to restrain me.

I spent the last 22 years working like a dog to make it so I would never be powerless again. You don't get much more powerless the being physically tied down. Nothing scares me more other then maybe losing my family. When I was raped I was physically held down by 2 guys as the other did the deed, then they switched places. All this as two ladies stood and mocked me.

You can understand my fear of being powerless and restrained. Bondage ever sense that day fascinated me but I feared very little more. Even with safe words, if your tied down you have no real power as the top could ignore it if they choose. It was something I thought was beyond me.

Now my wife was into the BDSM scene for years before she met me. She loved it. She loved both rush of being powerless and the control of being a top. She even offered her services as a pro top. She gave it up when she chose me as I was scared of the whole BDSM scene.

Things happened in my marriage that was not the greatest and was in a large part my fault we both betrayed the other. We had a rough few years. Trust was broken on both sides. We both loved the other greatly even after the pain. We have worked to fix the trust was broken to rebuild our marriage.

My wife's birthday was coming up and I wanted to demonstrate that I trust her more then I trust her more then I trust anyone else despite what happened in the past. I knew she loved the whole BDSM scene and it had always fascinated me. I decided to give it a try. I knew the trust that it must take to play in this world.

My wife was wise in how she introduced bondage. She tied me up at first in ways I knew I could escape if I wished and then asked me to do so after a bit of low grade pain. It gave me a great rush. At the last she tied me down in a way I could not escape. Now this scared me greatly to make things worse unknown to my wife this was the exact position I was raped in 22 years ago.

I panicked. I could not remember the safe word to end the session I was so scared. I was in the same mind set I was in 22 years ago. Then I heard my wife give the safe word that paused the play. She could see I was in distress and was concerned. The sound of my wife's voice eased my fear instantly. I realized I was not truly powerless as I knew my wife would never set out to hurt me and I trusted her more then I trusted myself. I was not the same 16 years old boy that was truly powerless.

I was able to continue the session. I faced my fear. I grew in my trust in my wife and in myself. For the first time in 22 years I allowed myself to face what happened to me and not hide from it. I have not mastered my fear I doubt I ever will. But I have faced my fear and overcame it for the first time in my life. Afterword for the first time in my life I felt powerful.

Funny, how letting me be powerless made feel powerful. It was only possible because of my love for and trust in my wife. The next week it will be me that gets to be the top. I have other fears about this. It should be fun.