I have been on kink Academy watching video after video. I have been experimenting on myself. I really want to do this in a safe and fun way. I want to do this right. Thing is I am worried about causing real damage as I know it is possible with this kind of play. I define real damage as breaking the skin, marks that last more the a day or two, or any kind of scaring.

What signs is there that an area has reached its limit or that an activity is just too damaging for that bottom? What advise would you give a new top? Any prep that may help to reduce any accidental damage?

I do plan on starting slow, negotiate everything I plan on doing, and use safe words. I am also not going to do anything that I ether have had done to me by the bottom or I have repeatedly done to myself safely. I am practicing the strokes and techniques I am learning on Kink Academy on a piece of paper taped to a chair. I want this to be safe.

Any advise would be helpful. Thanks in advance.

I personally think self-exploration is a terrific way to learn. Other than CBT and anal fisting, pretty much everything else I do I have experienced for myself. That experience has given me an understanding of how it feels and what it can do that I think you can only get through personal experience.

Also (and this might get some bitching) skip the safe words and talk to your bottom throughout your first few scenes. In your concern over if you are doing something right or wrong, you may be so worried about missing the safeword that you cannot get into what you are supposed to be enjoying. Conversing with your bottom while you are doing your thing can only help you get better, which will increase your confidence, etc. Your bottom is also the only one that can tell you when they have had enough, there is no magic number of strokes with the flogger or swats with a paddle before it is time to stop.

Finally, watching videos is great, but if you can, go see someone in action in person. Real life is sooo much cooler than a video online

MK

Doing damage is very easy in this area & every bottom has different levels of tolerance.  You need have some experience, so playtime is very important.  Not every bottom is the same if you only have 1 take time & get to know their body & how it reacts to all the fun toys, or even start slow with just your bare hand.


Hope I helped a little lol!

Only thing I know this lady is really into roll play. But it is fine with me to just be straight no safe words no roll play communication. I'll think about it, and likely suggest it. Thanks.

I only plan on ever having one BDSM partner and I know her extremely well, as we have been married for 6 years. I am mostly worried that I might hurt her as I have never stuck someone with out planning on doing real harm before. I will go slow. Thanks.

oops, edited because I forgot the alias. Must follow TER rules unless one wants to be moderated.

-- Modified on 6/12/2011 11:35:05 AM

In addition to safewords (yellow means slow down, red means stop, mercy on ____ means to stop torture on a particular area, instruct your submissive that you will sometimes as for a number on a 1 to 10 scale, with 10 being intolerable pain and 1 being pain that barely registers as pain, and ask them for a number periodically as they play.  That way, you know where they are in terms of enjoyment (work up to the 6 to 7 range the first time out) and the submissive won't be "topping from the bottom" by having to say, "harder, please, master".  You'll also want to watch body language.  Someone enjoying themselves will "present" (e.g., stick out their butt), but when the pain gets too intense, they'll retreat in terms of posture (e.g., melding into the St. Andrews Cross).

The single biggest mistake newbie players make is to try to go fast.  Remember, it's the journey, not the destination.  Make it sensual, talk dirty and have a great time!

Great advise about using the pain scale, I know you brought it up before, yet it slipped my mind. I will diffidently use it.

I should be looking for a high of 6 or 7 the fist time? It is a bit higher then my wife took me but I was more afraid of being bound then of any pain. Trust me that was a greater push then even a 9 would have been, but it turned out great.

Thanks, your advise is most welcomed.

They need to automate this alias thing, I screwed up again. Edited for stupidity.

You could plan on ending your scene near an 8.  Most people are inclined to "tap out" at a 9 or 10 on their personal pain scale.  Remember that a 10 is supposed to be equivalent to the worst pain you've ever experienced, so going to for a 10 should never really be your goal.

I was not ever planning to go to a 9 in the BDSM scene ether taking t or giving it. I was just stating being bound was a bigger fear of mine then a 9 on the pain scale to me. I have real fears about not being in control.

6 or 7 was bit farther then I planned on going my first time out the gate as it will be the first time I have done this or used this stuff on a person other then on myself where possible. I know my wife is fairly tolerant of pain and doesn't bruise too easily but control may be an issue do to my inexperience. I am afraid of doing real damage as I know it is possible in this play.

I will talk to my wife and see how far she wishes to go. I also don't want her bored. I don't want her to be as you said, "'topping from the bottom' by having to say, 'harder, please, master'". As I have never hit anyone without the goal of taking them down before, this has got me a bit nervous. I want a good time to be had by all.

My wife only brought me to a 5 but being bound was really pushing my boundaries enough to make it intense for me. I know my wife has no such issues. I will discus with her what she wants and how far she thinks I should go.

Thanks, for taking the time to answer my questions. This board has been a great help to me as I explore this world with my wife. Thanks.

When i read your statement, i am not sure what you are using for impact play.

Hands are a great tool.  Your hands will take back some of the impact.  it is easy to control them.  It makes a difference how you hold your hands and how you stroke your bottom (straight down, in elliptical curves, etc.).  Impact with your hand or any tool, followed by taking your hand and smoothing that area (taking away the pain) is much different that not doing this act.

Paddles are made of a variety of materials.  Some have metal stuck in the folds of leather, some do not.

Do you just like Bondage and Impact play?  

This sounds so much like walking through an LA Play Party.  i think some people get caught up in what visually looks good, as opposed to Domination/submission.  

i have a hard time taking cold sensation.  A bowl of ice cubes to be stuffed in my holes, taken over my body represents a trial of submission on my part.  Glass toys that have been left in a bucket of ice to get cold are just as bad.  They aren't going to hurt me, damage my skin, but i hate being cold.

Some people hate being slimmy.  Some find ginger root a trial to endure. Some people find impact or pinching (using of clamps clothespins) easy but suction hard to endure.  Every person has these items that make them cave and they find it hard to endure (such as your not like being totally bound) which are interesting to explore in a safe way.  These items may have nothing to do with causing damage to their body.

Washing a persons mouth out with soap can be a terror for some people. it makes a great deal of difference if the bar is dry or you have suds it up.  Depending on the size of the bar and the size of the persons mouth, the soap may coat their teeth and leave them spitting soap for a long time.   And then their is the mind games.

"Stick out your tongue"

You take the soap bar on it.

Repeat

The bottom gets to the point of truly not wanting to do this again.  it really doesn't take very long - trust me.  You then substitute a bar of white chocolate that you have carefully carved to be the same size without the bottom knowing, tell them to open up and put the chocolate in and close their mouth on it.

Reactions to this vary.  it is a good game to do at least once.

Electric Play can be painful and very controlled in how painful or it can be very Sensual.  Fire play is fascinating.  Find people in the community you are in that can show these types of play.


There are so many types of play that have no damage to the body involved, please don't get all wrapped up in Impact Play.

and some times submission is being okay with stopping when your Top wants to stop, not when you want to stop as a bottom (as in, she asks you for for more and you say "No." and stop)

~a

I didn't know you could reduce the pain by rubbing the skin between strokes, good to know. I do like the ice play idea. I bet I could make an ice dildo. I know how to make candle molds, it shouldn't be too hard to turn one into an ice mold.

I doubt, I could get her to go with the soap idea, but it does sound fun. I was planing on doing more then just bondage and impact play.

The session will be as much about roll play as it is about anything else. My wife thought of lots of fun things to torment me with besides just pain and bondage. I love tease and denial play with her and that is a must. My wife added manual labor to her play with me the last time and I loved it.

During my session as my wife's submissive she gave me a work out, taught me something about myself, made me face my fears, beat me and managed to make most of it fun. I doubt I could do as much but I do want to make it fun and safe for both.

What I was talking about with impact play was I have a crop, two rabbit fur floggers, and a semi-stiff slightly padded paddle I may use and that my wife used on me. Plus I may add in or just do spankings. The impact play will mostly be restricted to the rear as that is what I have experienced first hand. I have interest in clothes-pin play as well but that is not impact play. I should have been more clear

I am just planning it so far. We are not going to play until my wife gets her next weekend off as that is when it is easiest to find a sitter for our son ant that is not for two weeks. I have plenty of time to learn, plan and experiment. I want to include some form of impact play as I know she used to enjoy it.

This has my creative juices flowing and I am real exited. I get hard just thinking about it. I am also a bit nervous as I have read stories of when thing went wrong both physically in the session and in the relationship as a whole over mishaps. I am trying to gather as much information as possible to reduce those possibilities.

Thanks for the information and the ideas you have bee most helpful.

Getting together with a more experienced top to guide you, and oversee as you practice is priceless. Recently, I wanted to take things to the next level with single tail whips and was lucky enough to have one of the best whip Mistresses on the West coast invite me to learn from her. I had practiced a lot on my own, however I like you am very conscientious and prefer to be safe rather than sorry. Having her there let me explore a bit further than I normally would, and gain some perspective on how far I could go.

Over the years I've done the same with many different activities. I have also found that playing with experienced, communicative bottoms and subs has been extremely educational.

These days there are tons of people who offer educational/ skill building sessions. Many professional dommes are also open to teaching.

It sounds like you are on the right track.

Best wishes.

That does make things a bit harder, but as long as you are selective and communicative with your partners you can learn a lot as you go. Just like any other activity, starting with what you know and slowly gaining experience can get you far. And there's always the possibility of seeking out a traveling pro dominatrix for lessons.

Best wishes and have fun!