Dear Q1,

There are many threads on this board which describe your problem...meaning, you are certainly not alone! Do a topic search and you'll see.

Your issue is one of performance anxiety and inability to relax. This is one of the most common problems for men, in fact so common that Bernie Zilbergeld, a well known sexologist, wrote a book with several chapters devoted to just that[The New Male Sexuality.]

The way out is to practice relaxation techniques prior to meeting with a new person. This may seem like a cliché, but it does work. Self-hypnosis has worked for some; for others, guided imagery is the thing that reduces unconscious jitters.

On the other hand, you could simply bring up the matter to the 'babe' in the room and see what happens. Sometimes, verbalizing one's feelings can help. Don't worry, providers are generally an understanding bunch and have experienced all sorts of sexual snafus. A good one may even be able to help on the spot.

Repeating with the same provider a few times may also help.  The myth is that all men are able to jump anything they find desirable at a moment's notice, but it ain't necessarily so. Some men are just wired a little slower on the uptake. The pressure to perform with a complete stranger, even if she's the hottest thing on two legs, can be overwhelming. Your brain will lock up and your penis will go into hiding.

I am always an advocate for meeting with providers who inspire not just raw sexual feelings, but also those who give out vibes of tenderness and caring, particularly in situations where performance anxiety looms. That would be someone a little more "mature," with whom you can have a conversation, a cuddle and a bosom to bury yourself in when the action's over - or even before it's begun. Of course there are all sorts of ladies for all types of action, but for those whose willies won't cooperate, someone patient and understanding can be just what the doctor ordered.

Other posters will now jump in
the Love Goddess

I'm the sort of guy that seeks the ladies that LG describes in her closing comments.  I seek providers with a documented history of sharing tenderness and caring along with their fine sexual services.  I desire a personal connection of sorts whereby it is apparent that we are each enjoying each other's company during all aspects of our date. When I sense that this is missing then I enjoy the session to a lesser degree and on some inner level, anxiety is now in play.  So to the point that anxiety can lead to your performance issues then I agree that a provider who can share her gifts of tenderness can be of  help to you.

I also wonder if you have a second degree of guilt once removed type of thing going on.  You mention your difficult marriage that led to your 9-year relationship with your girlfriend.  It seems as if the sexual aspect of your relationship with your girlfreind is relatively good.  But yet for the past two years you have sought the company of others.  So I wonder if the success that you find in having sex with your girlfreind is related to a guilt-free escape from your wife where things were bad. On the other hand having sex with a provider is proving to be difficult.  Could it be because you have a guilt associated with your girlfriend?  She seems to provide you with sexual satisfaction but yet you seek others.  Has the magic of years 1 thru 7 dissipated during the past two?  If so, is moving away from this relationship more difficult then it was moving away from your wife because the relationship still has good qualities?   If any of this holds any degree of significance or truth then it may be a cause of anxiety that is manifesting itself during your sexual activity.    

Good luck to you...

The Goddess and HeyNow are doubtlessly hitting the nail on the proverbial head here - it's sounding like the big head is reigning in the little one.

A big thing you have to ask yourself is, do YOU want to meet with the providers?  Or is your Id poking holes in your social beliefs and mores, trying to get you to meet with professionals you never would've dreamed of meeting with before?  (Okay, a little long, I know.  Sorry (g))

If you really want to meet and to perform with a provider, take your time about it.  Do some research, not just in the reviews but with some PMs to some other TER memebers.  When you set a date, don't make it a last minute one; try to set one a couple weeks out and see if the lady will talk with you via email (or even by phone, if you're lucky).  This might help you relax well beforehand.  And make an appointment for more than just an hour (if you can afford it).  Take the time for conversation and foreplay; it might be enough to get the two heads on speaking terms.