help love goddess!!!! this might be a strange reguest,or maybe not.i have beem married for 5 yrs,not all good years,when my wife tells me about 5-6 weeks ago that she is not attracted to me anymore.after much heated and painful discussion,i discover it is all down to sex,our lack of good sex,specifically me not performing well.she has not had an orgasm in our marrage,in the beginning she has felt good,but not contracting like orgasm.we both before getting together have been fine,but together cant get it together.she says i dont know how to move my hips and how to move at all,she doesnt like in-out banging,but when i go slow doesnt feel it,but when i go fast and somehow find a groove she likes,i dont last to long before i run out of gas,and am tired.she is pissed and frustrated and is ready to stop.it is so hard to get her ready to go,because she only likes to be fingered a certain way,and god forbid i dont do it just the right speed or just the right curling action ou the right depth,she id done and says just git it over with.she wont let me do oral sex on her,which i love to do-she has a hangup with it.so any way,i want to truly learn how to "move"and be a good loverwe are seperated and almost divorced,its killing me we have 2 little girls and have otherwise a lot to save,but sex really sucks between us.i saw a movie once where a young man met a madam of a "house" in los vegas,she was the mature experenced woman and procedded to teach the young man how to be a good lover,she ended up teaching him so well he worked for her as an escort,and made all his clients feel so good,and the sex was out of this world.i feel like i need a woman like this to reach me,but dont know how to do this,i dont want to cheat on her,but at present dont really have a relationship,it is not dead yet but close.im very open minded and motivated to learn ,but dont know how.im sorry this is long,but i dont know what else to do,i have some videos she got from a sex therapist,but think i need a person to help me,whtt should i do? help
Dear GOODMANKEN,
I hear you, however, this is one of those instances where I am absolutely adamant about couple's counseling and marital therapy. Your issues, I suspect, go way deeper than your mutual [yes, mutual!] sexual performances.
From your lengthy one-paragraph posting, it seems that you are already separated, "almost divorced." You truly need some outside professional counsel to help you both decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage AT ALL, and work on these issues. This may not be the kind of answer you wanted or expected, but my clinical intuition tells me that there are very long-standing problems in this marriage.
IF, after counseling - but only after having seen a marriage counselor/therapist at least once - you decide that you want to continue together, you will both have to work very hard to overcome years of bitterness, anger and frustration. Your therapist will be able to recommend couple's exercises, workshops, weekends with specific programs, etc., all to make you heal as a unit.
Now, if you have already deemed this relationship a dead shark in the water, and you want to become "a better lover," then you could of course avail yourself of TER, hook up with a mature and caring provider and start experimenting as far as your desire/wallet will take you. But somehow, I don't think it's your lovemaking skills that are in question here. I keep repeating it, because at some point, your wife must have enjoyed the sex she had with you - at least enough to produce two children.
You do need to ask your wife to be a willing participant in all this. Your communication needs to be open, but also rational, sane and contain the desire to move forward in a non-judgmental way. I believe that it's very difficult to get away from that 'island of bitterness' created when two people have worn each other out emotionally. You need a third, professional person to help you. Try a marriage and family therapist first, and then move on to someone who specializes in sex therapy.
This may seem like a lot of work to you, and you are right. It is. But on the other hand, if you are firmly committed to being in the marriage, then it takes both of you putting in a heroic effort to save it.
I hope you will be able to move forward - hips and all,
the Love Goddess
"The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex" (by sex therapist Barbara Keesling). LG, have you read this one? I think it's great. I mention it because it promotes the idea that a woman is in charge of her sexual fulfillment. I'm not sure you'd want to run out and buy it for your wife, "Help," because she might take it badly, but I hope she runs across it at B&N. Another book I like is Super Sex by Tracey Cox. However, I STILL can't get the "CAT" position down 
--working on it!
Yeah, but I found a copy of this under my wife's bed after we decided to separate (doh!), so it doesn't exactly answer our man Ken's question. I think LG is right, the problems are mutual and need to be adressed on an emotional level first. That's been my experience. Literally.
burnit