When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I'd get.

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous - they gave me two-to-one I don't make it!

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention - they tried to talk me into it!

I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

Hey, I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

I tellin' ya, I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Last Christmas, I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an Odor-Eater.

With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night trying' to find out what car she was in.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, what are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me; my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different, when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club - I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor; "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said, "Alright, you're ugly too!"

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I remember I was so depressed, I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor, so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!

For two hours some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

They say, "Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a Peeping Tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said. "Why should I? You never put out for me."

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, "No. One drag is enough."

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to massage parlor. It was self service.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my push-ups in the nude... but I didn't see the mouse trap.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No. I hate myself now."

She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails... under her arms.

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.