Love Goddess,
Just an observation about myself on which I'd like to hear your comments.
I got into the Hobby to experience things that, for many reasons, I never had the chance to try or feel during my young-adulthood, when responsibilities were fewer.
Rather than engage in scattered short-term relationships with girls I knew from work or met in a bar or met through friends, I chose the safety of the Hobby where relationships are measured in hours and, although largely an illusion, are also free of the interpersonal drama that can surround 'civvie' relationships.
For the most part that has worked. I have mostly been able to seek the long-term relationship outside of the Hobby and have occasional no-strings-attached escapes of varying types with lovely providers from all walks of life. When my appointment is over, I walk away - confident in the knowledge that I'll not receive an inopportunely-timed call or that she'll show up at my work wondering why I haven't called.
And yet...
I have met two ladies in my time in the Hobby that I would classify as my favorites. And with each of them, I found myself hoping and wishing that at least some of the chemistry between us was real. That some of their responses to me were genuine. In short, that they were as attracted to me as I was to them and that memory of me lingered for them long after the appointment was over as my memory of them lingers.
I'm not at all motivated to express feelings to them (apart from finding them to be special people and thanking them for the wonderful times we have together) or to hound them with e-mails but I still find myself hoping that I made an impact in their lives the way they did mine.
All of which makes me feel like an idiot and a hypocrite. I mean, I got into the Hobby to avoid the dramatic complications of 'genuine' emotion. Why should I desire it? And how stupid must I be anyway to believe that I would be anything else to them but a good, respectful client?
It's just strange to me that I should enter an arena of life looking for an escape from something then find myself partially desiring it anyway.
Analytically,
-PV
I relate very much to your sentiments. A fellow gets into the hobby in part because of the motivations you mentioned. No courtship, no games, a sure thing. But part of us wants some degree of emotional tug, and we want it to be genuine. I've only seen one provider, and I've seen her 4 times in two months. I forsee seeing her often in the future. Apart from the fact that she is smokin' hot and fun to be around, I want to establish some small degree of emotional bond
with her. So, I know how you feel.
-- Modified on 10/28/2007 11:41:28 AM
The grass is always greener over the septic tank!
Well, you are human, polarvortex...or at least afflicted by "A human condition!" It is only natural that you should develop SOME feelings for these ATF's (it's interesting that it's not just one, but two.) Above all, do NOT feel like an idiot and a hypocrite. On the contrary, you should be very proud of yourself that you are able to examine your feelings in such a mature way, and yes, very analytically so.
You say that you are not "at all motivated to express feelings to them." Well, there's your big head restraining you very soundly. And yet, you are expressing positive emotions in a healthy manner. You have thanked them for the wonderful times, you are respectful of their time and space, and yes, you are hoping you made an impact. And I'm sure you did! Whether they were as attracted to you as to them, you will probably never know. But the wonderful thing is that you were able to have human interaction where you thought you'd find none! None of us are machines...but all parties concerned should know why they're in this endeavor. And it seems to me that you do.
Since the provider-hobby relationship involves two people, there's a good chance that the ladies in question also find you a super client and a joy to spend time with. That is always helpful and makes the interaction run so much smoother. When everyone involved is happy, things are good! And yes, you are a good, respectful client and that's probably the main reason why these ladies make themselves available to you. Dwell no more on this, but go forth happily, knowing that you are doing the right thing!
It's all good,
the Love Goddess