Dear ELREY69,
First of all, a compliment on your posting - it's informative, eloquent, full of emotion and seemingly honest! As to the issues with your lady, I see them as multi-faceted:
First off, the "fucking like rabbits" during the first couple of years of your marriage is normal. See previous threads in this forum about evolutionary adaptations making that possible. Your brains are primed to respond to hormones and neurotransmitters to facilitate the making of a baby (even though there might not be one, we're still primates designed for that event.) But, as I said before: that sexual magic disappears, and there'd better be something mentally or emotionally captivating to replace it, or at least augment that diminished sexual feeling. In some way, it seems women lose it faster than men, mostly because they don't have enough testosterone to back up some reg'lar, every day horniness. Mostly, women are reduced to nookie around their LH surge (a couple of days prior to, and during, ovulation)..which means a few times per month. Nota bene that we are not talking professionals here, but civvies who don't perform for a living.
The thyroid issue is a valid one. Glad that got resolved. But that still won't help the diminished PEA (phenylethylalanine) and dopamine reduction in her brain. People simply run out of those brain chemicals after a couple of years, and if you don't have some testosterone in your system to back it up, well...see above.
Now as to the orgasm issue: A very comprehensive British study has concluded that a woman's ability to have an orgasm is at least partly determined by her genes and can't be blamed entirely on cultural influences. The study was reported in Biology Letters, a journal of the Royal Society, Britain's independent academy
of science. In the study, scientists from St. Thomas' Hospital in London sent questionnaires to 4,037 women who are part of the British twin
registry. About half of them were identical twins and half were non-identical twins. One in three of the women reported never or hardly ever reaching orgasm during intercourse and 21 percent said they hardly, if ever, achieve climax during masturbation. Those figures are consistent with
other surveys conducted over the last few decades.
However, the questionnaires revealed a significant genetic influence on the ability to reach orgasm. The similarity in orgasm experience was greater in identical twins than it was in non-identical twins. Because the only difference between the two groups was genetic, the researchers concluded that the gap between the groups was the genetic component. After taking into account other factors that could influence orgasm, the scientists estimated that 34 percent of the difficulty women face in reaching orgasm during intercourse is due to genes.
Problems in sexual response during masturbation seemed to be more genetically influenced than orgasm ability during intercourse. The
study found that 45 percent of the difficulty women have in climaxing during masturbation can be attributed to genetic makeup. The results were similar to those of a study on Australian twins
published earlier this year. Effects of the twins' shared environmental influences
did not alter the study results significantly. Finally, another survey found that among women enjoying satisfying sex lives, orgasm did not rate as a key element for fulfillment.
Now, the third issue might be the disparity in age and the life stages you find yourselves in. I am assuming that you are secure in your career, and that you have gone through your turbulent 20s (if they indeed were,) your career-consolidating 30s, and are now enjoying the fruits of your achievement-oriented 40s. You're ready to settle down with your intended and you are indeed sliding toward your 50s - the "new middle age." She, on the other hand, is still in her 20s - barely post-adolescent and most likely still searching for what makes her tick as an individual. It's not just sex, it's LIFE. Marrying someone 20 years younger is almost like an "adoption." Consciously or not, you are showing her the ropes and throwing her life-lines now and then..until she no longer needs them (or you) and is ready to walk. Just like teenagers slowly making themselves independent of their parents, she is making herself independent of you. That's why she's not asking for any money and that's why she's moved into her own apartment. It's developmentally sound.
ELREY69, I don't want to be the bearer of bad tidings, but your relationship with this woman may have run its course. For your sake I hope it hasn't, but it doesn't look promising. And at the same time, her behavior is an appropriate part of her adult development in Western society. She needs to move out, she needs to work, she needs to demonstrate to herself that she can be an independent woman, in order to grow. If she doesn't, she'll experience what we call an "identity foreclosure" and it will hamper her or delay later psychological milestones in her future. As to what you can do: Leave her alone. Yep. This is bitter medicine to swallow, I know, and I do empathize with you. But things will not get better, the harder you try, the more you push. You need to back off and let her be on her own. Completely, utterly. If she wants to come back, she will. She needs to jel, developmentally, sexually and emotionally, before she can become the person you want her to be. And if that doesn't happen, then grieve and finally count your blessings, because always being on the begging end of the stick is not productive or fun. I apologize for being harsh, but this is my sincere advice to you.
My thoughts are with you, ElRey,
the Love Goddess
I am 45 and my wife is 26...we have been married for five years and have no children. When we were first married, we used to fuck like rabbits... then about three years ago. She started to put on weight, and I lost interest in having sex with her because of it. I mean, we would do it once or twice a month. Also, at the same time, she got fat. She also became a bitch, and was never happy which obviously doesn't invite a tremendous amount of sexual excitement. I had decided that she was suffering from some sort of depression, so before I gave up and divorced her I asked her to see a doctor. The doctor diagnosed a hypothyroid condition that he said had her in a constant state of PMS 30 days of of the month and also tended to dry a woman up and reduce her sex drive. In fact, she lost her drive reduced, but anything. The answer was one pill a day, and after 60 days. I could not believe the difference. She was feminine, again, the 20 to 30 pounds she had put on magically disappeared. And she looked like the trophy wife. I had fallen in love with and married. That was six months ago around the same time she went to the doctor she also moved out and into Her own apartment. We have been working on our marriage but we have still not had sex. Since she moved out six months ago we kiss we see each other almost every night, but she says. She just has no sex drive at all still. What am I going to do I love her and I desperately want to make love to her and have tried explaining this to her to no avail. Love makes us blind at times, (usually around 2 a.m. when the bars close) and sometimes we are just stupid. My opinion is that if a woman had any feelings at all for a man after six months in makeup mode, wouldn't you think the woman would have at least given up a sympathy fuck? Or a sympathy blow job? Something? I don't think she's playing me for money or anything, because I haven't given her any, and she hasn't asked. She has her own very good job. the other thing is, that while I've always considered myself to be very good in bed, she has never had an orgasm! She moans pants does all the right things. However, she doesn't fuck me back (at least she didn't six months ago when we stopped) she won't allow toys into our lovemaking, because she says they're demeaning and don't feel natural. The one-time I thought, I absolutely had her I had worked at it for an hour wi foreplay - oral she made me stop and started to cry almost like she was embarrassed to be losing control and acting like a dog in heat tried to explain that its a good thing and she needed to let go relax, trust me and come. But apparently she didn't, won't or can't please help me please please help me. I would like to get back in the saddle with this hot thin, pleasant woman, and I'd like to make her come. Any suggestions?
Dear ELREY69,
First of all, a compliment on your posting - it's informative, eloquent, full of emotion and seemingly honest! As to the issues with your lady, I see them as multi-faceted:
First off, the "fucking like rabbits" during the first couple of years of your marriage is normal. See previous threads in this forum about evolutionary adaptations making that possible. Your brains are primed to respond to hormones and neurotransmitters to facilitate the making of a baby (even though there might not be one, we're still primates designed for that event.) But, as I said before: that sexual magic disappears, and there'd better be something mentally or emotionally captivating to replace it, or at least augment that diminished sexual feeling. In some way, it seems women lose it faster than men, mostly because they don't have enough testosterone to back up some reg'lar, every day horniness. Mostly, women are reduced to nookie around their LH surge (a couple of days prior to, and during, ovulation)..which means a few times per month. Nota bene that we are not talking professionals here, but civvies who don't perform for a living.
The thyroid issue is a valid one. Glad that got resolved. But that still won't help the diminished PEA (phenylethylalanine) and dopamine reduction in her brain. People simply run out of those brain chemicals after a couple of years, and if you don't have some testosterone in your system to back it up, well...see above.
Now as to the orgasm issue: A very comprehensive British study has concluded that a woman's ability to have an orgasm is at least partly determined by her genes and can't be blamed entirely on cultural influences. The study was reported in Biology Letters, a journal of the Royal Society, Britain's independent academy
of science. In the study, scientists from St. Thomas' Hospital in London sent questionnaires to 4,037 women who are part of the British twin
registry. About half of them were identical twins and half were non-identical twins. One in three of the women reported never or hardly ever reaching orgasm during intercourse and 21 percent said they hardly, if ever, achieve climax during masturbation. Those figures are consistent with
other surveys conducted over the last few decades.
However, the questionnaires revealed a significant genetic influence on the ability to reach orgasm. The similarity in orgasm experience was greater in identical twins than it was in non-identical twins. Because the only difference between the two groups was genetic, the researchers concluded that the gap between the groups was the genetic component. After taking into account other factors that could influence orgasm, the scientists estimated that 34 percent of the difficulty women face in reaching orgasm during intercourse is due to genes.
Problems in sexual response during masturbation seemed to be more genetically influenced than orgasm ability during intercourse. The
study found that 45 percent of the difficulty women have in climaxing during masturbation can be attributed to genetic makeup. The results were similar to those of a study on Australian twins
published earlier this year. Effects of the twins' shared environmental influences
did not alter the study results significantly. Finally, another survey found that among women enjoying satisfying sex lives, orgasm did not rate as a key element for fulfillment.
Now, the third issue might be the disparity in age and the life stages you find yourselves in. I am assuming that you are secure in your career, and that you have gone through your turbulent 20s (if they indeed were,) your career-consolidating 30s, and are now enjoying the fruits of your achievement-oriented 40s. You're ready to settle down with your intended and you are indeed sliding toward your 50s - the "new middle age." She, on the other hand, is still in her 20s - barely post-adolescent and most likely still searching for what makes her tick as an individual. It's not just sex, it's LIFE. Marrying someone 20 years younger is almost like an "adoption." Consciously or not, you are showing her the ropes and throwing her life-lines now and then..until she no longer needs them (or you) and is ready to walk. Just like teenagers slowly making themselves independent of their parents, she is making herself independent of you. That's why she's not asking for any money and that's why she's moved into her own apartment. It's developmentally sound.
ELREY69, I don't want to be the bearer of bad tidings, but your relationship with this woman may have run its course. For your sake I hope it hasn't, but it doesn't look promising. And at the same time, her behavior is an appropriate part of her adult development in Western society. She needs to move out, she needs to work, she needs to demonstrate to herself that she can be an independent woman, in order to grow. If she doesn't, she'll experience what we call an "identity foreclosure" and it will hamper her or delay later psychological milestones in her future. As to what you can do: Leave her alone. Yep. This is bitter medicine to swallow, I know, and I do empathize with you. But things will not get better, the harder you try, the more you push. You need to back off and let her be on her own. Completely, utterly. If she wants to come back, she will. She needs to jel, developmentally, sexually and emotionally, before she can become the person you want her to be. And if that doesn't happen, then grieve and finally count your blessings, because always being on the begging end of the stick is not productive or fun. I apologize for being harsh, but this is my sincere advice to you.
My thoughts are with you, ElRey,
the Love Goddess