I am divorced... life in my ex's house is in chaos... she sometime has "our" two kids, her current husband's two kids and their youngest - two kids...   she hires nanny's to take care of the youngest (all others are older... and teens...  the oldest is a boy (his) about 16 or so....

One of the nannies - a hottie... about 20 or so.... is there.... my son tells me that she has had sex .....!  With his step brother (the 16-yr old).  Relations between the dad and my son's stepbrother - are not all that good....  

do I lob the grenade into this mix by telling my ex?  I think not... as I can talk to my son (actually he is the one who told me of this mess!)... Telling would do no good and destroy the 'trust' relationship between me and my son....... as the young girl is set to get married in the spring... to a member of the step-dad's church....!  

what to do.... what to do... I think nothing...

I am sorry - and I know this sounds like a penthouse letter!

And that is the welfare of your two kids. If they are older teenagers I doubt the chaos is having any effect on them and I would say nothing.  If, OTOH, you feel that the nanny's behavior poses any threat at all to their safety I would talk to your X about it.

Dear BizzaroSuperdude,

As a licensed clinician and a "mandated reporter," I must advise you to tell your ex-wife immediately. The stepbrother is 16, she's 20. That's illegal. Now, I realize that this goes on all over the world, and that the United States has particularly strange rules when it comes to the age of consent. But what concerns me is not only that there has been statutory rape committed, but that "life in my ex's house is in chaos." In this case, you need to step up to the plate and claim your authority as a father. Collusion with one's son in order to preserve a parent-child relationship is never a good idea. You will set a good example as a father with some authority (yes, teenagers need that, despite their constant pushing for freedom).

This is a matter for adults to decide, not for teenagers. What happens if this "nanny" gets pregnant? I don't care one iota if she's "getting married in the spring." What stupidity, she's only 20, and clearly not fit to be a responsible wife!

Please do not discuss this with your son, but with your ex-wife. In addition, you have every right to call the CPS (child protective services) and blow the lid off this whole thing. It would be different if these two had met in school and were equals in some sense. But a nanny??? Abusing a position of employment is wrong, I don't care how old or how hot she is. She needs to learn not to be so narcissistic. Now she's using the kid for sex, next she's getting married - to someone else. What kind of example does that set? Not a good one!

Step on it and claim your authority as a responsible adult, please,
the Love Goddess

if they feel endangered or want to move back with you, then you might (although if you son is 16, and the other is somewhat close, a judge would likely listen to the kids wishes) use the info, but otherwise, I'd steer clear; no sense stirring up a hornets nest unless you want and are prepared to take custody of your kids, because you can bet if you stir things up, life for your kids is in danger of becoming miserable quickly.

If it were my son...I would want to know. She could get pregnant, she may have an STD.
Its down right wrong! Its against the law. If it were your son I am sure you would put a stop to it.
Seeing as she is the nanny, she can't say she didn't know how old these kids are. She knew.
Its inappropriate. Just because your son confides in you that doesnt mean you are going to keep his secret. Did you ever concider he may be telling you this so you Will do something. Its really messed up. You need to be the adult here and stop this abuse.

In some states I also think I have heard that 16 is the age of consent but she is in a possition where a great deal more is expected of her. These nanny troubles...thats why when it comes to child care you can't be cheap. It costs to get good help.

-- Modified on 4/11/2008 6:26:23 PM

I agree with LG. However, I would want to know more regarding the basis upon your son's knowledge of the nanny and step-brother having sex. Is this a report by the step-brother, the nanny, or did he actually see or hear them in the act. In the end it probably will not make a difference, but it would be regretable to "lob the grenade" based on the step-brother's empty boastings. If your son's information is based on the step-brothers report, it will be tricky to get to the truth, but it needs to be pursued.

but what if she targets your son next...and succeeds?   Then what do you do?

Your son told you for a reason- he knows it's wrong and it probably frighted/bothered him.  I would get my children out that situation immediately.  Doesn't matter if they sleep on your couch, interrupt your lifestyle/work-just do it.  Gently tell your ex that you think it would be better if he stayed with you for awhile.  Keep paying her support- whatever- just protect the child.  I agree that if you tell the ex-wife, expect downfall on your son.  More the reason to get him out and tell her the reason why- but get him out.  I have been divorced for 12 years and while I wish my children did not have to go through it, I will never regret my decisions related to putting them first in terms of their safety and well-being.

Nanny is gone.  but when I look over the responses... I am reminded of my "gut feel" that I probably should do something to remove the kids from continuing situations... This is the catalyst....  My son is 14.  But my daughter is 11.

Again, thanks - not what I wanted to hear, but probably what I needed to hear.

Good for you, BizzaroSuperdude,

Chaos in a home is never good for children. They need a rather predictable and stable environment in order to flourish and get through adolescence with a minimum of damage to their development.

Wishing you all the best,
the Love Goddess

I think you will make the right choice. Just bringing it up tells me you know its not right.
Just more wanted to ask the best way to handle this. Good Luck Got my fingers crossed for you.
Nicole

did you mention something about it being illegal? Simply fascinating!

if you mean that this too is illegal, I don't see here that anyone is being taken advantage of and this hobby is all consenting adults. There is breaking the law and there is child abuse. Sexual assault. They are very different. If you don't see the differences, thats a problem.

How does the son know the nanny had sex with his step-brother? I mean, 16-year old boys are famous for bragging about fake conquests to other (especially younger) boys to impress them. Jumping into the middle of of someone else's family life when you're not 100% sure of the facts is dicey - and irresponsible.

Certainly, you can't be sure this actually *happened* at all, or was bragging between two boys.

However, the laws regarding age of consent vary from state to state....and this could very well be a mute point.  Without consulting the state laws, any opinion on the legality of this is simply speculation.  

Without talking to the son in question...it's certainly hard to tell if any real "harm" was done.  I'm not sure if you have any contact with him, but it might be worth talking to him about, if you have good rapport and make clear that he won't be in trouble.

I'm not sure I really have a good idea what is best...but "do nothing" isn't sounding right to me, nor does it seem like something you are comfortable with.

~ Naiya