Have your screener weed him out if you are not comfortable or better yet find him a replacement who is better suited to him.Someone who is into it with the other qualities he sees in you.

You asked him to stop what he was doing and he didn't.  If he doesn't respect your boundaries and make you feel this way, you should not see him again.

who makes you uncomfortable.   If you feel that you want to give him another chance, do so, but tell him that if he does anything that makes you uncomfortable, you will never see him again.   No reason to feel uncomfortable or to argue during a session.

Unfortunately it sounds like you took all the steps you could. Equally unfortunate is that there are such people in the world and in your line of work you're prone to seeing this sad side of some of us.
Good luck !

Agreed with the rest.  Ditch him and any like him.  I love role play too but someone that has no boundaries usually doesn't respect the boundaries of others.

figure out something with your screener, say a question to ask, or something that only you and this guy would know about, some piece of information to get from him that would tell you it's him.  You already know when he'll be around, adjust your schedule the opposite way and be careful and safe.

I would have to agree with the others who have posted in regards to the fact that you should not see anyone you are not comfortable with and trust. I’m not familiar with how agencies work in terms of you canceling an appointment after it’s started because you aren’t comfortable in the situation, or if part of the reason you didn’t was because of this. If you were an Indy would you have continued with the appointment? I guess the worst that could happen is you would lose your job. In the end, a small price to pay to keep your safety. I know, easy for me to say, but in the end, I do feel it’s the truth.

Issue number 1:

It sounds like this man was over zealous. Perhaps due to the fact that he had been wanted to meet you for awhile and wasn’t able too for whatever reasons. I’ll be the first to admit there can be a feeling of euphoria when you finally are able to meet a lady you’ve wanted to see for a prolonged period of time and aren’t able to for whatever reasons.

Although I do have to admit that for a guy to say what he said about wanting to see more of you and asking about you adjusting your schedule so he can do so just a few minutes into your initial meeting strikes me alittle odd. Granted, you can (and did) take it as a compliment, and perhaps that’s all it was meant as, but it does seem to have some stalker like quality to me. I wasn’t there when it was said, so I don’t know the context for sure, just saying what my impression was from reading your post.

Issue number 2:

I don’t know what your advertising says in terms of role-play, or if it says anything at all. Perhaps a small rewording is in order to insure you’re not put in that situation again if it’s not for you. Or maybe a statement that some “lite” role-play is welcomed, but within certain boundaries.


Role-play and words. Were you uncomfortable with what happened because you didn’t feel safe with the guy due to how he acted, or because it just isn’t your thing at heart? In this case I do believe there is a difference between “comfort” and “trust”. Role-play isn’t really one of my things, but from time to time I have found myself in situations with light role-play. I didn’t always feel “comfortable” in them, but I did have an implicit trust with the lady I was with at the time, and all worked out fine. Sometimes it’s the feeling of not being comfortable that’s part of the turn on, but you have to have the trust in the other(s) involved to make it work. If you don’t, then don’t even attempt it.

As far as feeling degraded, there’s one that will never be agreed on by everybody. Tramp, slut, whore, bitch, and so on… In any given situation, any word is degrading, and any word is not. It’s all in the context. And it runs equally on the male side of the fence as well as the female side.

There is a lady I know who is very into the role-play thing and also very comfortable with a great many situations that most are not. I would prefer not to post her name on the board, but if you feel you would like some insight on certain things from someone who is well versed in it, please feel free to PM me here or email at [email protected] and I will let you know who she is. I’m sure she would be more then willing to talk with you about it, or any issues you may feel you have and want to try and work thru.



-- Modified on 4/5/2005 12:33:22 PM

A long block of text like that is really hard to read.

Seems to me this might be one of the downsides of being a provider.  Something like this is bound to happen to every provider at least once if not more, no matter how well they screen.  Her problem is that she is having a hard time forgetting it, and getting rid of the icky feeling.  How can she get rid of the icky feeling?

-- Modified on 4/5/2005 7:11:39 AM

I have had at least two providers that I have gotten to know tell me of similar situations... and in both instances there was a stalker/lurker feel to it which lead to consequences down the road.  Be careful, do not see this individual again under any circumstances, if the agency that you work for is any good, they will help you avoid the individual.  

I do not know which region of the country that you live in, but I can honestly say that I have heard of guys going from town to town to seek out a particular provider...  that is a bit freaky.  

While I enjoy the providers that I see for the most part, and I have a local indy ATF, I NEVER seek to see them outside of work, unless it is their request, even though I may wish to see them otherwise... Yes, it is true, providers do provide a fantasy - and if you read my reviews I consistantly go to that theme, but for the fantasy to be really enjoyable to me, the lady must feel comfortable.... with respect to role play I took my ATF an exercise outfit that I wished her to wear, she did (she looked fantastic in it) and that was that!  Really complicated huh?

Please be careful - as there are a lot of really marginally glued together people in the world with just a little nudge they move into the "danger zone."  You sound nice, but to be scared is not at all appropriate.

Is move forward, learn from this experience and try to put it behind you.  Beating yourself up about it is not going to do you any good.  It sounds like you have some very good reviews and people like you so be secure enough to know that you don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable with.  There are plenty of gentlemen out there who are not going to treat you like that.  It's easier (especially on the head) to turn down work if it ultimately is going to have a negative effect such as this.  In the future, if you do not know a guy very well and he asks for this, if you kindly say "I am not comfortable doing that until I get to know you better"  I guarantee he is not going to leave.  If he does, well, that is not the kind of guy you need as a client.  IMHO.  Luckily, most guys are not like that and speaking to another lady for a reference goes a long way.  Be happy!

It's not normal for a new client to ask you to see him all the time (when he comes on business) when he just met you a few minutes ago.

That's happened to me a few times and invariably the guy turned out to be a bit strange. He probably has been turned down before by several women, so he is pro-actively manipulating you into thinking he's going to be a lucrative client so you'll go along with his requests later in the session.

You are relatively new to the business. All providers will see these kinds of guys from time to time--the obsessive semi-stalker types, the borderline personality disorder types, and the ones who want to do unusual role-playing.

There is no way to screen against them, unless the provider reference you obtain mentions the guy likes unusual role-playing (and to her it may be fine, so she wouldn't think it unusual to mention).

Since you feel so uncomfortable, don't think twice about seeing him again if he contacts you. It's not your obligation to fulfill all fantasies or provide all services imagineable to clients. (Of course, you need to provide a certain level of service, such as BJ's, or no one will see you--but you get my point.)

Some ladies enjoy role-playing more than others--this guy will need to find that lady(ies).

But you're done. That icky feeling will pass in a few days and you can forget about him.

A year ago, I met a nice client who wanted to do some unusual role-playing. I wasn't sure I liked it, but because I liked his personality we met for a second visit. This time I felt more comfortable (I thought the roleplaying was goofy, but if he liked it, I could go along with it.) He's now a regular and we're pretty good friends.

Interestingly, after a few months, his interest in the roleplaying dropped. I guess it was a novelty that wore off when it was fulfilled a few times.

Sometimes these things need to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

But if you are really uncomfortable now, don't see him again.

This is key when we are trying to sort out a complex problem. The two most important seem to be:

How do you get through the feelings resulting from a boundary violation?

This is something a woman can help with more. You have to know you aren't wrong for feeling scared, and know it's OK to feel them, and talk or write about them.

The second is how to avoid this person again.

Given that you have others do your screening, it seems a simple thing for this guy to keep changing his information. Therefore, perhaps a way to remain safe and eyeball your clients before they are able to see you. Also, there has got to be a way to eliminate him with a phone number.

You have a lot of people concerned for you, so please pay attention to your gut on this and be safe.

because no one else will."

A guy told me the above was said to him after he hurt his back by lifting something that was to heavy.

The idea was that he needed to determine for himself what was appropriate for him to lift.  If it was too heavy, he needed to "take care of himself" because "no one else" really knew enough to do it for him.

In your situation, you have to know what you are comfortable with. You are the one that experienced it. You've got to decide.  No one is required to do what is not good for them. I'm not a provider, but if this guy is like you described him, I certainly wouldn't see him.

One thing I wouldn't do, even if you decide while you're with a client, that you will never see him again, I wouldn't say that to him in his presence. If he were unstable or perhaps even borderline dangerous, it might take him over the edge. I'd part pleasantly and let him know later on the phone or via e-mail that my comfort limit was exceeded and he'd be better seeing someone who was a better match for him.

Hope you feel better soon. Happily most hobbiests are gentlemen.

-- Modified on 4/5/2005 3:18:48 PM

Forgive me if this first one might not be practical for an escort, honey, but if I were you, the rule would be light or no role-playing in first sessions.  Don't indulge anybody in dark, heavy role-playing like his unless you've reached a certain level of comfort and trust with them.

My second suggestion is that you get away from him, but you probably have already resolved to do that.  It's one thing to tell you that he waited such a long time to see you.  That's fine, I've been there and will probably be there again with many other women.  It's something else that he ask that you alter your personal life for him-- and on the first session.  This was not a reasonable demand; it shows an immediate desire to see if he can dominate your life.  Taken together with the fantasy he played out, he's going to be trouble if you see him again.

Lastly, for your own safety, dear, watch out for guys like this with sexual-dominace issues.  I think every woman in the business must develop a built-in alarm for guys with sexual-dominance issues, even if they're charming and apologetic.  That is guys who have to explicitly and quickly show power over women in a sexual situation, and then feel magnanimous to let you go unhurt.  Look for the early warning signs, like a polite, immediate request to change your whole life for him.  

I guess there's a right way to approach these guys, and some escorts might have a knack for it, but I'd consider it to be onerous and dangerous work.  It definitely wouldn't be for you or for 95 percent of providers.

This guy's a loser and has serious personality issues.  Don't take it personally and I would recommend you not see him again.

Hi, I saw your post and wanted to respond because last month I had a similar situation.

This was a first time gentleman (at least at the time I thought he was a gentleman)  Yes, I did screen, but he had no references from other providers, but wasn't reluctant to give out his company name and contact number, which I verified successfully.

This was an outcall engagement for me.  He had a beautiful home.  He made me feel very comfortable upon entering.  We sat and talked for a few minutes and that allowed us to become even more comfortable.  I thought he was a real sweetheart!!

The session was very nice, as I thoroughly enjoyed and so did he.  It became very intense and yes he did use words on me like whore, and slut but it didn't bother me, I just thought he was getting into it.  I thought we had just gradually eased our way into role playing, as that wasn't discussed.

The session ended and I refreshed myself and as I was preparing to leave, I told him I didn't know he was into role playing.  He looked at me funny and said, I wasn't role playing.  You are a whore aren't you?  Look at what you do for a living.  It was enough to look at his face and tell he was totally serious.  This was a complete turn about.  That comment stung, and I felt hurt, angry and betrayed.  

I didn't argue, I smiled and told him to have a nice evening, as I just wanted to get the hell away from him.

On the way home I kept thinking about this, pretty much close to tears, but didn't break down because I don't like someone having that sort of power over me, even though yes I did allow him to make me feel dirty, unclean and icky.

Once I came home, I just sat there thinking about what had happened.  I had even thought, is this what all the men I have dealt with think about me, the nice ones that are regulars, the ones that I laugh and joke with while in their company?

Eventually I had to put a foot in my ass and snap myself out of that mood I was in.  I had to rid myself of the negative energy, and I did.

The next day I felt better and was kicking myself to allow this person to make me feel that way.  I was caught off guard.  I didn't think to post on TER because it was very, very personal to me. I really didn't think to post anything. I like to read what is going on here a couple times per week, and when I read your post, my incident came to mind and I had to share.

This person has contacted me since then, but I refuse to see him.  I don't need someone beating me down to make himself feel better. I had no problem in asking him never to fix his fingers to dial my number again, and didn't get into the reason why, as I knew it would only be a waste of time and energy. I don't like to argue. (You really have to push me far in order to get an argument out of me.)  He already made it clear what he thought of me.  The important thing is what I think of me and how I feel about myself.

Yes, role playing is fun and I've reassured myself that the gentlemen whom I role play with don't think of me negatively.  But I did allow someone to plant the seed of doubt in my mind about good hobbyists I have seen, and to second guess my self respect.

This is our profession and gentlemens' hobby, and by reading the opinions of some of the gentlemen on here, I feel they would never try and make a woman feel that way.

As far as preventing this from happening in the future, I'm unsure of that.  Like I said, he appeared to be a gentleman until he pulled the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde thing on me.

I saw your last posting and I'm glad you are feeling better, as you should.  Good luck, take care of yourself and please be careful!!


Ayanna