A provider and I met on "a date" and we hit it off so well that both of us are interested in pursuing a serious relationship that is outside of a "business relationship". She has only been in the business for a few months and does not plan to do it much longer. Even though we already have strong feelings for each other, I know this is early and I want to be cautious. Does anyone have any advice for us in pursuing a romantic relationship with one another?
to go for advise? Everyone here is in some type of dysfunctional relationship or at least noncommital. Nobody truely knows you here as we all use alias'. Some light may be shed on deneral pitfalls to avoid but sadly with all the different views expressed here it is likely you will end up with a totally confusing perspective. Just my $.02
even those IN dysfunctional relationships may be able to give good advice.
I happen to think there are as many healthy thinkers on this board as there are misogynists, hedonists, addicts, and nutbags.
Hell, even hedonists can be fairly healthy.
But what do I know.
xo
Elise
he seek out a 'professional therapist' ... now there's an oxyMORON. I can tell you the jamoke who milked me retired to Florida a couple of years ago so that's one less incompetent boob to worry about.
the "falling in love with provider" thing is a phase plenty of us have gone through. We've gone on the dates, worked out the twists and turns, once in a blue moon it lasts. I went through 2 realtionships of a sort with providers, both of them are still good people, however we slowly but surely saw what could and what could not work as a relationship. Lately, I'm considerably more realistic. Shrinks may help in some cases. Generally they're sort of clueless. You might find a genius who can put it all into perspective for you. Life is a big screwed up mess. There's no substitute for direct experience. Go out there, fall in love two or three times, fall on your ass and feel like a fool now and then, maybe the girl's allright and you have the commonality of interests you need to stay afloat. Maybe you'll wake up and tell yourself "Holy $hit!!!! This is insane!!!!" Just don't co-sign anything until you know her as well as the back of your hand.
and let it take him where it takes him. The only concern that he should have is in maintaining a healthy perspective during that time, with absolutely no accusing or stalking involved. If it does not work, he should count it as a leson learned as you mentioned, pick himself up and move forward.
I am in a similar situation, myself. Don't listen to the cynics...you can fall in love under the most unusual of circumstances.
Because mine is not played out completely, I am not an expert in giving advice. I can tell you've what I've done: First, we talked and I discovered (without asking directly) why she was in the business, what would keep her there longer and that she had other goals and aspirations outside of it. I knew from our conversation she would be in the business for a while, but not forever. I am being supportive, even helping her to be in a better (safer and more lucrative) position in the business. I plan to be equally supportive of her other goals and aspirations when she is closer to leaving the business. My girlfriend knows I don't judge her for it and would love her no matter what. It would be much easier for me mentally and emotionally to "rescue" her (ala Pretty Woman) but that is simply not the right approach in this circumstance.
It helps that I am not the jealous type. If you are, I think you should be honest with her about how you feel, but be diplomatic and sweet in how you tell her. It is important you tell her how you feel because it may effect how you treat her. In my experience, people are more understanding if they know what motivates you when you are not at your best behavior (not to say you should use this as an excuse to throw jealous tantrums).
So my recommendation would be to understand her, be honest with her, support her no matter her choices, and be her kind, considerate friend as well as her lover. Part of your appeal to her is that you love her even knowing this part of her life...which means she probably feels comfortable telling you all parts of her life, even the things she keeps secret from others. This is a huge trust for her to give to you, and she may feel vulnerable. Treat that trust like a gift and I think you may find yourself closer to her and sharing more with her than any "typical" relationship. I certainly find that true with us.
Good luck...let me know how it goes.
-- Modified on 3/14/2005 6:06:08 AM
I have always wondered about that.
I've dated bi-women in the past and I've found them be as faithful (or faithless) as any other women depending on their personality, and they've moved on to other partners about 50% men, 50% women. So gender has been irrelevant to me re: jealousy.
In terms of providing...well I really can't compare. If I ever fall for a woman who provides to women, I'll let ya know if it makes a difference. 
Are you prepared to accept her for who she is and what she does? Or is she prepared to give it all up for you? Are you prepared to give up the hobby -- or is she prepared to accept you as a hobbyist? Does she have a day job? If not, why not? Do you have the kind of money to keep her comfortable?
Assume you go forward with a serious relationship. Where's forward? Do you share common goals or interests? Do you respect each other? Do you have a deep well of tolerance for each other's foibles, bad habits and eccentricities?
Are you prepared to introduce this woman to your folks?
Do you have fun together? When you go to a restaurant, do you talk or are you silent?
How can you help her be a better, happier person? How can she help you be a better, happier person? Are you prepared to work on the relationship all the time?
It's wonderful, and fairly common in the hobby, to have that meteoric zing fling, where everything's giddy and fun for a few weeks or months, but a serious relationship is, well, serious business.
It is easy to sustain passion for a short period of time, but relationships that last have a foundation that is built on stones other than passion, need or fear. In the end, people that sustain relationships that have meaning and complete happiness for both people, have looked deeply at what they are made of as a person. I my case, whenever I meet a woman that does it for me, I think of what my needs are, doing so is not giving in to fear of comittment, I realize that my need for sex would make me a serial cheater, even with the most strikingly beautiful and accomplished woman as my SO.
We are talking about an illegal meeting that got you to the gal you wish to take home to mom, right?
First, let me say that I really do respect the women in this profession (and yes - by ALL formal definitions it is a profession - if done correctly). But, and here it is, how much do you have in common? What will you say? If someone in your circle knows of her and what is in her past? When it is time for her to stop- and she doesn't, cause guess what, she, like most of us in here, enjoy the thrill! Could you handle that? (no need to answer me -- it is you we are talking about - I actually could, but for other reasons, I am not into this outcome)....
Having given the cold and negative view, I will now turn the tables on you... IF you have the appropriate answers to the above questions, you would not be asking this group! Me, I am divorced from a dysfunctional marriage devoid of any emotional support, with a wife that could be at times physically and mentally abusive! Others in here? you pick. are we for the most part decent people? yes, but in this area of our lives may not be the "Braim trust" that can help ya.... but the answers will be great!
You really need to look to yourself to know if a serious relationship can work between you and this woman.
You may want to ask yourself a few questions and answer them honestly.
You mention that she hasn't been in the business very long, and does not plan to do it much longer.
Would you have a problem if she did continue to be a provider?
If she remained a provider would you honestly be able to seperate what she does in her career for money from what she would do with you for love?
If she does stop providing would you be willing to stop "hobbying"?
If you wouldn't stop participating in the hobby, could she seperate what you do with providers for money from you do with her for love?
What do you hope to get from the relationship?
If you want it to perhaps culminate in a marriage and ideally a lifetime together, will you be alright with how you met and what she has done in this career?
Are you capable of completely trusting her if she does quit, or tells you she quit?
Is she capable of trusting you if you quit hobbying?
If she either continues providing and someone finds out, or someone finds out she used to provide, and talks to you about it, can you still be entirely proud that she is the woman you love and not let other's perceptions or judgements about that effect you or your relationship?
If you can answer these questions honestly and say that you would be able to do, and accept what it could mean, then I would say you have a decent chance of having a romantic relationship with this lady, if not...perhaps best to keep it a friendly business relationship instead.
I am indeed impressed with the great questions asked here if not all the advice. Obviously there is a great cumulative wisdom among the members who have chosen to post on this. It makes me feel good to know that this is a group who can be counted on for nonjudgemental and down right Real help.. I'm proud of you all. well most of you anyway...
but me like all the fine women in this hobby.... they good... but would they have us.... we not so good. and they know our tricks and weaknesses.... why they like us? me not know. kan u hlep me ?
Just send $500.00 by pay pal to the "1Woody TOFTT Fund" and all your questions will be answered....
I am falling in love with a very married Client.
and is he in love with you also???
I could and I would never ask him to leave his wife for me.
I know he is unhappy and looking for ways out, but he would never leave her unless she left him.
One reason I like him he is to kind to break her heart.
When I am with him, yes I feel he loves me. When I talk to him I feel as if I am the only one.
Hey I'm a Hooker not a saint. I know this will end up with me getting hurt but I cannot help but want to see him over and over again.
oh oh I sound so stupid
no you don't sound stupid @ all, your a human being and have the needs & feelings like everyone else. Yes the odds of the 2 of you making it aren't good(or so they say, I say BULLSHIT!) but so is driving your car or crossing the street - you both have to take that chance especially if your very happy with each other, talk to him reach out to him tell him that you love him also - be honest with him as he should be with you. You sound like a very likable & lovable person not a gold digger, he must see that in you. how many times a month do you see him? do you allow him to call you between your meetings or you him?
Forget hiding behind the hooker stigma, when a provider/client relationship becomes personal and your both in love take action and be happy with each other
I hope this works out for the 2 of you
BTW
where are you from? would like to continue this conversation outside this forum, guess its obvious that I'm in a similar situation
guess now I'm the one who sounds stupid
using aliases, meaning we don't want to announce to the world who we are. It is going to be hard to drop clues for you with ought everyone else looking.
...you can tell me. Whoever he is, he doesn't deserve you I'm sure.
Now I, on the other hand, have been told I'm quite the catch, if you can overlook my bald head, hunchback, microscopic manhood, erectile dysfunction, hideous facial disfigurement, and related ailments. Of course, like your beau, I'm already married, but there's always Utah.
You never stated that you were not a VIP member. I have the yellow envelope next to my handle. PM me! I have some very good advice for you. "Been There, Did That!" True love only happens once or maybe twice in our lives, but if it doesn't work out, the pain is unbearable! You need to know what I have to say, but if you choose not to contact me, follow your heart. Tis better to regret something you did, than to regret not having done it. We never get a second chance!
how true, are you a VIP member? if so try to send me a email & i'll try to send you one back via TER
...which of you will get hurt.
Once you lower your shields, you are vulnerable.
...now come back to the mansion and draw me a bath. Villainy is a dirty business.
I have not read any of the other posts so I appologize if this is a repeat.
I would think you treat this love as you would any other love. Love is love? isnt it?
Now if the question is how do you establish a relationship based out of love, well that is an awsome question.
Honesty, and taking care of eachother. I heard it said once where two people made a commitment where the basis was. Let me worry about you and how you are doing and I will let you do the same for me.
another thing that seems to work is that when ever I get upset, it is usually someplace where I havent been honest in my communication. So lack of sex... it usually is because I have made up some story about how my partner is too tired or someother story. It never fails. If I look deeply at the situation, it is usually someplace where I am out of it.
I've gone too far. sorry. good luck and be honest with EVERYTHING!!! and let them take care of you and you take care of them. Think constantly how can I fulfill thier dreams, no matter what!
So true, r_bear.... have always cared/ worried about/ wanted to protect the other much more than myself in a loving relationship... and they have eagerly with pleasure done the same. Have been exceedingly fortunate to have had such amazing, caring experiences.
I have before, and a still seeing her, she is a sweet girl and if you are both honest in what you want, you should have fun!
- LF*
I fell in love with a provider, and she with me, more than a year ago. We are set to get married this summer. We are honest with each other about our wants and needs, and we both fell in love with the reality of each other and not the illusion. I think that is where many SP/client relationships go bad; too often the people involved fall in love with the illusion and not the reality. My advice to you is to get to know one another as who you are outside of the hobby, and be honest about what you need from the relationship and pay attention when she tells you the same. If you find yourself saying I love her but she needs to change...whatever, then move along. You will only bring heartache to yourself and her.