Very often, in relationships, people want their partners to redress their childhood losses - that is, they want their partners to give them what they did not get from their parents.
One way in which the extent to which a person feels these childhood losses can be gauged is by how powerfully or persistently they have feelings of "longing".
What is best, however, is to set limits on the extent to which we are willing to "act out" in response to our partner's unfinished emotional business, and to likewise not insist that our partners "act out" in response to our own unfinished emotional business. We can be there to support them as they go about the work of finishing this business, but as a partner, not as a parent substitute.
The unfinished emotional business I am talking about is resolving their relationship with each of their parents. Your parent does not have to be around for you to resolve your relationship with them - they do not even have to be alive.
If you will do this work, and stop expecting your partner to be the answer for you, you will have much improved relationships.
-- Modified on 2/12/2004 8:15:27 PM
My guess is that this may apply to some people, but in my case, my parents were the best. There was never any shortage of love, respect and the occasional $20 when I was caught short on date night.
When my dad died at home in 1997, I remember sitting next to his cooling body, stroking his hair and thanking him for making me the man I am today.
My mom is still here and at 86, she still teaches me about life.
Wow! Raoul Duke I am very touched by your post............thank you for sharing your wonderful story. This original post made me think about my relashionships with my parents as for my father ...it was similar to your Raoul Duke. However with my mother it has been a rollercoaster.........so maybe I will look deeper into this and see if there is something I can do to try to fix things ...
I think we all want healthy relashioships with all of our loved ones.
kisses & licks........
mara of san diego
Parents...schmarents! Quit blaming your parents, I'm just here to get laid.